Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed
Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed
Infidelity doesn’t have to ruin your life—or your marriageIf you have been devastated by your husband’s sexual betrayal—whether an isolated incident or a long-term pattern of addiction—you need to know you don’t have to live as a victim. If you choose to stay in your marriage, you have options other than punishing, tolerating, or ignoring your spouse; in fact, extraordinary growth awaits a woman willing to deal with the pain of her husband’s struggles with sexual purity. Even if a spouse w
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Strong Mothers, Weak Wives: The Search for Gender Equality
A leading theorist in the sociology of sex and gender, Miriam Johnson establishes as her starting point the belief that inequality is not inherent or inevitable in heterosexual relations. In Strong Mothers, Weak Wives she develops this notion by examining how gender differences get translated into gender inequalities and how this process relates to the structure of the nuclear family and to the social organization of modern societies.
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Q – How To Get My Wife Back, A – With Psychological Mind Moves
Q – How To Get My Wife Back, A – With Psychological Mind Moves
I questioned you a question in the title – can I get my wife back? – I can say the answer is a certain yes but you will need one other huge thing to make it happen.
The other thing is action, you need to take it. If you don’t, you will se no result at all. Many guys like you will never get their ex’s back because they will not take any action.
This is very vital, it’s like most things in our lives. You don’t take action you don’t get results. So what do you do?
To start with you need a plot of action, something to go with and enhance your psychological moves. The psycho tricks will start you off but you need to expand on them.
It’s also very vital that your ex sees you as well adjusted and mature. Last thing you want to do is come across as needy and emotionally wrecked. She will surely ignore any efforts if you are like this.
At first you might get some sympathy out of her towards your blubbering but it take long for her to be turned off by it.
When you mentally get your stuff together you are ready to place your first psychological trick to excellent use. This is what I did.
I called her up and left a voice message, but in that message I planted a seed of curiosity. You may not realise but curiosity is what drives our lives everyday.
In the phone message I never once questioned her to call me but I was confident she would. And she did, with a couple days. I knew it was time to place the next phase of the plot into action. I knew it wouldn’t be long before we were back together.
I reckon by now you are very curious to know what that message consisted of? That’s the power of it. Curiosity can work miracles for us.
These aren’t my original thoughts though, not by a long shot. There’s been stacks of people in our position in the past who have gotten their ex’s back.
Fantastic news for you (and me) if some have written their methods down. We can get them and use them to our advantage. The plot I used has resulted in over six thousand people getting back with their ex.
Most things worth anything in life come with a cost. And the plot I used cost me less than a cheap date, which is under forty bucks. If your ex isn’t worth that then you need to question yourself – just how terribly do I need to get my wife back?
Did you answer yes? Is your wife worth that much? If you answered yes and want to make a start, I can place you on the right path on my site. Excellent luck if you answered no, you’ll need it on your search for happiness.
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Q: How Will I Get My Wife Back?, A: Start With A Psychological Trick
Q: How Will I Get My Wife Back?, A: Start With A Psychological Trick
OK, you’re here looking for the answer to your question of -just how can I get my wife back. It isn’t impossible but it does involve one major thing.
That thing is you taking action. Without this nothing will happen. Most guys who are in this situation will not get their wives back because they simply won’t take action.
I can’t stress it enough, no action means no results. Like anything else in life. So what action do you take?
First off you need to get a plot. The psychological moves I mentioned can be incorporated into your plot but they won’t work on their own. They can kick you off to a excellent start but you really need to follow up.
You also need to be in the right frame of mind. This is very vital as your ex needs to see you as mature and well adjusted. If you come across as a crying baby all the time she will no doubt pass you by.
There may be an element of sympathy at first but constant crying & wailing will soon turn her off.
So once you get you head into gear you are ready to take the first step. This is where I used a clean psychological go on my wife.
I left a message on her phone and in that message I planted the seed of curiosity. This curiosity thing plays a huge role in our lives everyday.
I didn’t question her to call me back but she did within a few days. And that got the ball rolling for me. I then went onto the next phase of my plot and before long we were back together.
I’m sure by now you are curious to know what the message was. See what I mean about curiosity? It’s so powerful it’s unreal.
The plot I used wasn’t mine, I really bought it off the internet, believe that or not. There’s a lot of people who have been dumped before us and they have successfully reunited with their ex’s.
Luckily for you (and me) they place their thoughts and methods down on paper. At this moment in time I believe over 6 thousand people have used the same plot I did. Successfully as well.
So how much is this plot going to set you back? Well, it cost me the same as a cheap date, less than forty bucks. If your ex isn’t worth forty bucks then you are in the incorrect place and you have to question yourself -do I really want to get my wife back that much?
So what’s your answer? Is she worth a cheap date? Only you can answer that. If you answered with a resounding yes then I can point you in the right direction on my site. If you answered no then that’s also cool and excellent luck on finding another soul mate.
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Can I Use Psychological Methods To Get My Wife Back?
Can I Use Psychological Methods To Get My Wife Back?
You can get her back using psychology. It’s in no way dishonest or heavy.
Everyday lots of people use these tricks without realising they are doing it.
To answer yes to “can I get my wife back” you need to place together a plot. Without one you could have the best tricks in the world but you won’t succeed.
Get yourself a excellent plot and start it. Where do you get a plot? Luckily most of the work has been done.
There’s been lots of break ups before yours, I know only too well. So we take their best thoughts and use them.
There is some fantastic stuff on the net. You got to find it, read it, place it in your plot. Only distress is by the time you are done, she’s gone for excellent.
There is a small cut though. Other people who have gotten their ex’s back have done most of the work. I know, I used it.
Sadly nothing comes free. Well, not much anyway. A step by step plot will run about the same as a romantic meal, maybe even cheaper. Your wife just has to be worth at least this much right?
When I was plotting to get my wife back I used mainly the psychological moves but they aren’t the only weapons you need. Mentally, you also need to be adjusted right. Otherwise you will surely fail.
You get extras with these courses that you can use to get your head right.
Step by step instructions make it hard to go incorrect. You could still fail but following these steps puts you in the best possible position to succeed.
You’re here for that reason aren’t you? For the knowledge to answer your question “I want to get my wife back”. I’m just pointing you in the direction I went. It’s up to you now.
If it doesn’t happen for you and you follow everything to the letter. Go get your refund and go to a game. Your next ex could be sat right there in the seat next to you.
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You Too Could Use The 1 Psychological Trick That I Used To Get My Wife Back
You Too Could Use The 1 Psychological Trick That I Used To Get My Wife Back
I know you can get your ex back using psychological tricks because I was successful in using them to get my wife back.
I realise you may be at a really low point in your life now. Going through a split that you didn’t want or need. There is light at the end of the tunnel though as there’s things you can do to halt this break up in it’s tracks. Even if it does look dead and buried.
First things first though. You need to get you mind right, not depressed or down all the time. Feeling like that will not help you at all, quite the opposite.
You won’t need to see a shrink either as there’s an dreadful lot of excellent stuff out there on the internet that will help you get back on track.
As soon as you are in a excellent frame of mind you can start to place your plot of getting your ex back in to action. It isn’t hard, it’s really quite simple if you are willing to do a small work.
My first step was to place a plot together that I could follow from step one to step -her moving back in-. I must say these weren’t my original methods though, I got them from somewhere on the net.
We are blessed in the fact that others before us have laid down their plans for us to use. But we get nothing for free these days. Rarely anything worth anything comes for free these days.
I’m pleased to say that me and 6,000 others can testify that these methods do work very well. These systems are proven and work like magic.
The one simple psychological trick that I used to get my wife back may not work for you. It may take a bit more than that but it worked for me.
There’s a thing called curiosity that makes us seek out answers. This is what I used, curiosity. Without curiosity we just plod on every day like slaves.
Part one was to use curiosity to get my wife to call me. I did this by leaving her a message but not asking her to return the call. Nevertheless she did return the call.
It went well for us after this because she firmly believed she had made the first go. When in reality it was me. It was vital that she still believed it was her though.
If they were my methods I’d lay them all out for you here, but they aren’t. I couldn’t sleep simple giving other peoples work away. They worked hard and should get the credit they deserve.
Just what do they deserve? I paid forty bucks for it. I spent as much on a cheap night out.
If you are as serious as me about getting your wife back then I can show you the way at my site. After that, it’s all up to you.
The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife’s Heart Forever
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Help! I’m Married to a Homeschooling Mom: Showing Dads How to Meet the Needs of Their Homeschooling Wives
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1 Simple Psychological Step I Used To Get My Wife Back, That You Can Use Too
1 Simple Psychological Step I Used To Get My Wife Back, That You Can Use Too
It’s possible to get back with an ex using psychological tricks and methods. I know because it worked for me. I used them successfully to get my wife back.
I realise that right now you are probably at your lowest. Going through a breakup you neither want or need. Well it’s not all terrible, there’s stuff you can do to halt it all. Even if it does look hopeless.
Before anything though you need to be in the right state of mind. Being down and depressed won’t help you. In fact it will make things worse.
There’s a lot of excellent stuff out there on the net that can help you place your mind back on the rails without resorting to seeing a shrink.
Once you get your head right you can go onto the business of getting her back. It’s not hard if you are willing to do a bit of work. In fact it can be quite simple.
This is what I did. I place a plot together to guide me every step of the way. From a first tentative call to my ex to finally getting her to go back in. I never made the plot from scratch though. I got it elsewhere.
Lucky for us other people who have gotten their ex’s back have made the plans for us. Sadly nothing comes free though. Does it ever these days?
Happily the methods do indeed work. Over 6 thousand people can testify to the particular method I used. 6 thousand and rising I expect. Such is the power of these systems.
OK, the one simple psychological trick that I used to get my wife back. I must point out here that it may not work as quick for you, but I know it worked like magic for me.
I used the power of curiosity to lure my ex wife back. Curiosity is a thing that drives nearly all of us. If your mind isn’t curious you’re probably dead.
I place together phase one of my plot, which was to leave my ex a voice mail message with the view to getting her to call me. I never once questioned her to call me but she did anyway.
After this it was plain sailing for me. Everything fell into place because in the back of her mind she believed she had called me first and instigated the make up. She didn’t, I did but it’s vital for her to believe she started the contact again.
As much as I want to tell you everything I did, I feel it isn’t honest to give away other peoples thoughts and systems. Also, it worked for me so I feel the authors deserve something for their efforts.
How much do they deserve? Well the system I used cost me less than a night out, and boy was it forty bucks well spent.
If you are as serious about your wife as I was about getting my wife back I can point you in the right direction at my site. The rest is up to you.
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Q&A: I hate that my boyfriend watches porn… help :(?
Question by mjc: I despise that my boyfriend watches porn… help 
?
My boyfriend of 4 years watches porn behind my back. I reckon it’s disgusting. I also despise how people say that it’s alright and “natural” for men and women to view porn when their in a relationship. I don’t know how people can reckon that. They’re watching other people have sex… I despise that people (guys in particular) try to justify it because they just dont know the people having sex on the screen. They could be your neighbors… I dont know. Am I incorrect to feel this? It tears me up inside knowing that he’s being aroused by other women. We never have sex anymore. I’ve tried everything. And I’m very attractive, I know I am. I was trying to look up a website I had viewed earlier this week for my psychology class on his computer because I forgot the URL and I saw a bunch of Porno sites like “Do my wife” blah blah blah… And I just started crying. I’ve tried telling him it hurts my feelings that he doesnt seem aroused by me more than once… But he doesnt seem to care.
Best answer:
Answer by Orinoco
Maybe you need a different boyfriend. Perhaps you should discuss this line of thinking with him.
This is a common issue. When a bf is watching porn, it is not really surprising that the gf feels unloved or unvalued … feels that she has to compete or that the bf is going to stray.
In many cases it’s not really like that for the bf. Guys are visual creatures and most of us like the visual stimulation of watching porn.
Not all guys are like that. If you need your guy to be understanding to you then perhaps you need to find another guy. At least you need to express it to this bf of yours that his behaviour is hurtful to you. Perhaps he will choose to change.
Add your own answer in the comments!
To all wives, how would you feel if your husband tells you this?
Question by virgo_1982: To all wives, how would you feel if your husband tells you this?
I am 27 y/o, a mother of 2 boys and has been married for 5 years. Before my husband and I got married, we were steady for 2 years, so it’s 7 years in total of us being together.
My husband had that attitude of making an impression to all people that I like him more that he does to me. He doesn’t like to compliment me most of the times and would rather insult me whenever I try to look excellent and sexy. One time he admitted that he’s doing that as kinda like a “reverse psychology” for me. Because he doesn’t like other guys to look at me and appreciate the way I look. He says the way they look at me is kinda malicious and it’s getting on his nerves so much. On the other hand, HE likes looking at attractive girls, even if I’m with him.
So to get to the point, last week I wanted to place our picture on my facebook as my profile pic. It was taken on my birthday wherein we were posing for the camera then he suddenly kissed me on the cheek. I thought it was “sweet” and wanted to show it off in my facebook but when he found out about it, he kinda giggled and teased me saying, “You wanted to show the world that I like you that much?!”
Honestly, I got really hurt. He has told me a lot of nasty words like, “You reckon you’re pretty?” and so much more but I managed to place back the pieces of my self esteem after some time, somehow. But this time, it’s really different. I talked to him about it and he just laughed at me, showing that he wasn’t serious when he said that and that he was joking. But I know him, I know when he’s joking or not. Now he’s being sweet again and telling me all these nonsense sweet words but it’s not working anymore. I reckon I’m still hurt with what he did the last time. Am I just being sensitive or what? Need help please. Thanks.
Best answer:
Answer by Forsaken
Sounds like your husband has some serious insecurity issues. Is he “uglier” than you? It sounds like he feels inferior to you and trying to compensate for that by acting like a jerk. But this is hurting you. Talk to him again and be a small firmer this time, a small more “agressive” if you want. Tell him that his attitude is seriously hurting you and this is a marriage, not kintergarden, he should mature up and act his age.
What do you reckon? Answer below!
Are You an Extremely Smart Dater for Having Given the Great Relationship Advice to Your Ex Love Partner for a Making Up Relationship?
Are You an Extremely Smart Dater for Having Given the Fantastic Relationship Advice to Your Ex Like Partner for a Making Up Relationship?
Are you an extremely smart dater for having given the fantastic relationship advice to your ex like partner for a making up relationship?
Are you a smart dater? Before you answer yes, I’ve got to tell you that in my experience as a singles and relationship coach, most people are not smart daters. Most singles make at least one if not a series of the most common dating mistakes. Let’s take a closer look at each of these mistakes and what to do instead.
Which of these common dating mistakes are you making? Recently on my weekly Relationship Radio Show in Atlanta I had the pleasure of interviewing the husband and wife psychology team of Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski on the subject of smart dating. Judith and Jim have designed their own Smart Dating Program for Singles.
According to Judith and Jim, the single largest mistake that nearly every single makes is “playing the dating game.” The opposite of smart dating is not dumb dating, it’s traditional dating. Quoting Judith and Jim “The traditional way of dating does make it a ‘game’ and that’s the problem – because meeting and mating isn’t ever going to succeed when approached like a game.”
Approaching dating as a traditional game leads to the following “games” –
Playing hard to get
Acting mysterious
Building up a man’s ego
Acting like her Prince Charming
Pursuit and capture
It’s just as simple to marry a rich man
Got to keep her guessing
And on and on it goes
Smart dating allows you to approach dating with your head up, knowing what you want and how to get it, and being yourself. So many times, in an attempt to place our best foot forward and make a excellent impression, we act like someone we are not. Then we wonder why we are so disappointed when we learn the person is not who they described themselves to be. Or you are the one who disappoints because you are not as you described yourself to be.
This fake portrayal is based on the dread of rejection. When approach dating as a game, we give a ton of power to the other person, and we can be rejected!
When you approach dating from a smart perspective you cannot be rejected!
Reckon of it this way – When you are looking for a house, you have a list in mind about which house and what kind of house will be the right one for you. If you or your real estate agent shows you a house that in many ways is a fantastic house, but just not the right one for you, for whatever reason, it is not an issue of rejection. It an issue of not the right fit.
You would not but, try to make the house fit when it can not, or go home feeling rejected by the house. That sounds silly, but it is what we do in relationships.
So get very clear about what you want in a relationship, look for that fit, and do not settle for less. The beauty is when you find someone that fits you and you fit that someone. And remember, it only takes one!
Indeed, life is small. Don’t let another day go by without taking a chance on happiness. You will never know until you try, so remember to make a go today. It can change or affect the rest of your life, therefore, at the very least, you can try to come out something for your ex like partner during your weekend plans. With a small practice, perseverance and patience, I believe that your relationship could be enhanced with the tips that I have shared earlier. If you have faced any problems with your loved ones, do not hesitate to visit this piece of article again.
I really have a strong belief that if you can know what I have clarified and applied what you have learnt from this piece of article, your problems can be eventually solved and your making up relationship can become more stable and stronger. I wish all the best for your making up relationship with your partner. Do always remember to spread word of mouth to your fellow friends for supporting the choice of having making up than breaking up.
How to get your boyfriend back?
Watch a video that shows you exactly what you must NEVER do, what you should do to get your ex back and why at http://www.squidoo.com/how_can_i_retrieve_my_ex_lover_back
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—Psychology Today “Haltzman . . . launches his eight strategies with remarkable vigor. More vital, they are extraordinarily well fleshed out and
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In your opinion, do you think that James Kelly was in fact, ‘Jack the Ripper’?
Question by smc ツ: In your opinion, do you reckon that James Kelly was in fact, ‘Jack the Ripper’?
I am intrigued with tales of ‘Jack The Ripper’ and have been since I was placed in “Psychology” my freshman year of college. The class revolved around “the minds of killers” and we read alot of things on Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and other killers, But I was very interested when we got to the lesson over ‘Jack The Ripper’
I watched a documentary a few nights ago called “Jack the Ripper in America” and the detective came to the conclusion that “Jack the Ripper” was, James Kelly.
I have to say I agree, for one he was crazy and had murdered his wife (by sliting her throat) and had escaped from an insane asylum a few months prior to the killings and had “disappeared” after the last murder when the police went to question him. He was an upholster, so he had to of had a steady hand with a knife.
what do you reckon?
i will have to read that book, thank you vana.
Best answer:
Answer by vana
There are real excellent chances that he was jtr. But one can never be sure as there is no direct evidence. I read a book by Readers Digest on paranormal detectives where this case was widely discussed. And in that book the author says that in most of the killings, the bodies were cut in surgical manner which implied that the killer could be a doctor.
Also, Thomas Neill Cream was a doctor secretly specialising in abortions. He was born in Glasgow, educated in London and Canada, and entered practice in Canada and later in Chicago, Illinois. In 1881 he was found guilty of the fatal poisoning of his mistress’s husband. He was imprisoned in the Illinois State Penitentiary in Joliet, Illinois, from November 1881 until his release on excellent behaviour on 31 July 1891. He went to London, where he resumed killing and was soon arrested. He was hanged on 15 November 1892 at Newgate Prison. According to some sources, his last words were reported as being “I am Jack the…”, interpreted to mean Jack the Ripper. But, police officials who attended the execution made no mention of this alleged interrupted confession.
You might find that book intereting and i suggest u read it for more insight.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Do You Have a Fear of Being Fabulous?
Are you stuck and dont know whats holding back your dreams? Do you manage to get only so far and no further? Youll want to listen to the husband and wife Psychology team Judith and Jim as they share their secret on how to learn the real reason you are going around in circles. Listen to this empowering interview on their program called The Dread of Being Fabulous. – made at animoto.com
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Q&A: Wife seems tired after 17 years of marriage?
Question by Marie: Wife seems tired after 17 years of marriage?
about 9 hours ago i saw a question that a man had questioned about his relationship with his wife, and he was worried that she was getting tired of him. I made this account to be able to answer his question, but when i tried to answer it, it just didnt work. So now i tried answering it again, but it says the question has been deleted. Therefore i’m going to post my answer here, and hope that he gets to see it… You other ppl dont have to answer 
“I was browsing the net when i saw this question and i made an account just to answer this i hope my answer will help u in some way. The effort u have place into getting better is fantastic. it’s very sweet of u to care so much and send her notes telling her abt it, but the thing is that u might want to stop doing that for a while and see what happens. of course u should still care, and still place in the effort of getting better, but dont pressure her by sending her notes, and asking her many questions. what it sounds like to me is a pattern called the “pursuer-distancer pattern,” where the woman is usually the pursuer and the man is the distancer. in ur case, but, it seems to be the opposite. U’re pursuing her and she’s distancing. The more u pursue, the more she distances, so what u need to do is to stop pursuing. When she stops feeling pressure from u then she should stop distancing herself.
These patterns usually occur when someone is feeling anxiety. In this case u might be feeling anxiety. “anniversary dates” are vital here. For example, if u went through a trauma or something similar, at this time of the year, then that can cause u to feel unconscious anxiety right now, which u take out on ur relationship. U need to get to the root of the problem. You could also feel anxiety because of other factors, in ur family of origin for example. Are you having any problems with ur parents or siblings? Are all ur siblings and both ur parents still alive? If let’s say someone’s parent died when they were 9 years ancient, when their child is 9 years ancient, they might be reminded of the anxiety they felt back then.
It would also be excellent if u could talk to her about what SHE needs to do for ur relationship to work out too. Of course u should wait until u feel it’s the right time.
At this time of the family life cycle, it is usually the time when the relationship declines the most… u’re busy with ur children and there isnt much time for urself. Ur wife might also be starting to feel ancient (which could clarify why she dresses so quickly before u go into the shower). This decline in ur relationship might only be temporary. Of course u shouldn’t let the flames die out, so if u feel that things are going horribly incorrect, then why dont u try marital counseling?
There are many factors that could affect ur relationship right now. Did you guys use to fight a lot before? or are u fighting a lot now? How is ur work schedule? do u work a lot overtime? do u have enough time for ur kids? I know u need to keep ur finance steady to give them a secure future, but if there are other ways of solving that then why dont u try that? maybe ur wife would delight in getting out of the house a small bit. She could get a part-time job for that extra cash. or maybe she already works? I dunno… there are many things u have to look at.. anw i hope things get better
oh and ignore the ppl that tell u that u shouldn’t write long questions.. if u hadnt given all this information then the answers wouldn’t have been excellent anw… the more u give the better it is everything u said was relevant to the question
Source:
Psychology of the Family Course
Studying to get a BA in psychology”
thank u very much for ur answer Slsb I hope he finds it too. But, because this is not an official document that i’m writing, i dont see the point in having proper grammar or punctuation.
Best answer:
Answer by SlsB
If the poster of the original message find this I am sure you will give him a new perspective on his problem, but, if you are studying for a BA in Psychology you should be able to type a message without using texting shortcuts like “u”, “ur”, “u’re” and “dunno” – grow up!
Add your own answer in the comments!
Q&A: What are your thoughts regarding the “psychology” of this quote?
Question by bassoplenty: What are your thoughts regarding the “psychology” of this quote?
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve changed so much, my wife is even gonna recognize me whenever it is I get back to her, and how I’ll ever be able to, tell about days like today. Ahh, Ryan. I don’t know anything about Ryan, I don’t care. The man means nothing to me; he’s just a name. But if, you know, if going to Rem”al, and finding him so he can go home, if that earns me the right to get back to my wife, well then, then that’s my mission.
The quote is from “Saving Private Ryan.”
I like analogies, and this one hits close to home. I am one year out of a traumatic relationship with someone who had been the recipient of ongoing sexual abuse during their childhood.
The relationship shattered my self-esteem. But, it is my nature to find the excellent in things. While I didn’t particularly get into this movie, this line did affect me. I can relate to it… maybe as a defense as to why I stayed so long and tried so hard in such an unhealthy relationship.
No doubt most counselors would mark this quote, and thus this thought process, as unhealthy. But, it does have a special meaning to me.
I’m not subscribing to healthy or unhealthy. Your thoughts on the quote please.
Thanks
Best answer:
Answer by tati1
I really dnt know!
What do you reckon? Answer below!
Q&A: More black women consider ‘dating out.’ Thoughts and comments are welcomed.?
Question by kooties_2000: More black women consider ‘dating out.’ Thoughts and comments are welcomed.?
More black women consider ‘dating out’ By DIONNE WALKER, Associated Press Writer
Sat Aug 4, 3:44 PM ET
RICHMOND, Va. – For years, Toinetta Jones played the dating game by her mom’s strict rule.
“Mom always told me, ‘Don’t you ever bring a white man home,’” recalled Jones, echoing an edict issued by many Southern, black mothers.
But at 37, the Alexandria divorcee has shifted to dating “anyone who questions me out,” regardless of race.
“I don’t sit around dreaming about the perfect black man I’m going to marry,” Jones said.
Black women around the country also are reconsidering deep-seated reservations toward interracial relationships, reservations rooted in America’s history of slavery and segregation.
They’re taking cues from their favorite stars — from actress Shar Jackson to tennis pro Venus Williams — as well as support blogs, how-to books and interracially themed novels telling them it’s OK to “date out.”
It comes as statistics suggest American black women are among the least likely to marry.
“I’m not saying that white men are the answer to all our problems,” Jones said. “I’m just saying that they offer a different solution.”
She reflects many black women frustrated as the field of marriageable black men narrows: They’re nearly seven times more likely to be incarcerated than white men and more than twice as likely to be unemployed.
Census data showed 117,000 black wife-white husband couples in 2006, up from 95,000 in 2000.
There were just 26,000 such couples in 1960, before a Supreme Court ruling banished laws against mixed marriages.
Black female-white male romance has become a hot topic in black-geared magazines and on Web sites, even hitting the huge screen in movies like last year’s “Something New.”
That film centers on an affluent black woman who falls for her white landscaper, a situation not unlikely as black women scale the corporate ladder, said Evia Moore, whose interracial marriage blog draws 1,000 visitors a day.
It features articles like “Could Mr. Right Be White?” and pictures of couples like white chef Wolfgang Puck and his new Ethiopian wife.
“Black women are refusing to comply with that message about just find yourself a excellent blue-collar man with a job, or just find a black man,” Moore said.
She pointed to low rates of black men in college, a place where women of all races often meet their spouses.
Black women on campus largely are surrounded by non-black men: In 2004, 26.5 percent of black males ages 18 to 24 were enrolled in college versus 36.5 percent of black women that age, according to the American Council on Education’s most recent statistics.
Even after college, Roslyn Holcomb struggled to meet professional black men.
“I wanted to get married (and) have children,” she said. “If I was only meeting one guy a year, or every few years, that wasn’t going to happen.”
The Alabama author eventually married white.
“I reckon a lot of black women are realizing or feeling that the pickings are slim,” she said.
They’re made even slimmer, grumble many black women, by high rates of successful black men choosing blondes. For some, they argue, white wives are the ultimate status symbol.
“They don’t want a dark chocolate sister laying around their swimming pool,” Moore said.
Nearly three quarters of the 403,000 black-white couples in 2006 involved black husbands.
Meanwhile, psychological barriers have discouraged black women from crossing racial lines.
“Black women are socialized to stick by their men,” clarified Kellina Craig-Henderson, a Howard University psychology professor who studied 15 black women dating interracially.
She said modern black women agonize over breaking male-female bonds forged in slavery and strengthened through the Jim Crow era.
“It may be even more of an issue for educated black women who have a sense of the historical realities of this country, where black women often were abused at the hands of white men,” Craig-Henderson said.
Jones remembered being troubled when a white man politely approached her around 1990. Her stance softened years later, after a sobering party experience.
“All the black men literally pushed (us) out the way to talk to the blondes,” said Jones, who soon declared, “I’m going to date whoever.”
Black men and women have openly feuded before.
At places like Atlanta’s Spelman College, black women have rallied against black male rappers characterizing them as promiscuous.
But black men are voicing their own frustrations with women they feel regard them with suspicion. “They treat us all the same,” said W. Randy Small, a Washington writer who dates across races. “The rapist on the TV is the same as me.”
It’s a frustration director Tim Alexander tackles in “Diary of a Tired Black Man,” a frank film covering everything from black women’s demeanors to their weight. Frustrated by black women, the main character dates a white one.
“To a certain degree, black people are sick of each other,” Alexander said. “It would be better for black men and black women to open their options.”
But Ayo Handy-Kendi, creator of Black Like Day, argues blacks are simply reacting to messages linking success with whiteness. She referred to a string of successful athletes with white partners, including golfer Tiger Woods.
“They normally rejected their culture and they went to the acceptable standard of success — a white woman,” said Handy-Kendy, who thought it ironic high-achieving black women were mimicking the behavior.
Back in Virginia, Jones feels life is too small to ponder race when it comes to like.
As for mom, Jones figures, “she really admires the fact that I did something she may have really wanted to do, and never did.”
Best answer:
Answer by megs
Like has no color
Add your own answer in the comments!
Bringing Out the Best in Your Wife: Encourage Your Spouse and Experience the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted
Bringing Out the Best in Your Wife: Encourage Your Spouse and Experience the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted
Most “relationship books” are written for women, but women aren’t the only ones who want pleased, enduring marriages. Bringing Out the Best in Your Wife is written with men in mind, men who want to build a satisfying relationship but just aren’t sure how. The secret, Dr. H. Norman Wright reveals, is mutual affirmation. But first, husbands have to know that women receive respect and encouragement differently than men. When husbands learn how to speak the language of like their wive
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Virtual Light #3 Sandra interviews Judith and Jim November 2009
Husband-and-wife psychology team Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and Jim Sniechowski, Ph.D. learned the core issue that holds people back from the success they desire. They have changed their focus from relationships to marketing. Judith and Jims belief is to deliver an understanding of return of experience transaction. They use the same marketing techniques of traditional market. The intent is through the heart to heart exchange. Judith and Jim train others to know commerce, soft sell, the art of persuasion and come from a spiritual way of producing direct marketing. They offer a way to communicate what you do to market yourself.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
*Dr.N.V.S.SURYANARAYANA **NEELIMA VANGAPANDU ***GOTETI HIMABINDU ****Dr.T.J.M.S.RAJU
INTRODUCTION:
Domestic violence, also known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse, child abuse or intimate partner violence (IPV), can be broadly defined as a pattern of abusive behaviors by one or both partners in an intimate relationship such as marriage, dating, family, friends or cohabitation. Domestic violence has many forms including physical aggression (hitting, kicking, biting, shoving, restraining, throwing objects), or threats thereof; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; controlling or domineering; intimidation; stalking; passive/covert abuse (e.g., neglect); and economic deprivation. Domestic violence may or may not constitute a crime, depending on local statues, severity and duration of specific acts, and other variables. Alcohol consumption and mental illness can be co-morbid with abuse and present additional challenges when present alongside patterns of abuse.
HISTORY:
The first attested use of the expression “domestic violence” in a modern context, meaning “spouse abuse, violence in the home” was in 1977.
Violence between spouses has long been considered a serious problem. The United States has a lengthy history of legal precedent condemning spousal abuse. In 1879, law scholar Nicholas St. John Green wrote, “The cases in the American courts are uniform against the right of the husband to use any [physical] chastisement, moderate or otherwise, toward the wife, for any purpose.” Green also cites the 1641 Body of Liberties of the Massachusetts Bay colonists -— one of the first legal documents in North American history —- as an early de jure condemnation of violence by either spouse. Well loved emphasis has tended to be on women as the victims of domestic violence. Many studies show that women suffer greater rates of injury due to domestic violence, and some studies show that women suffer higher rates of assault. Yet, other statistics show that while men tend to inflict injury at higher rates, the majority of domestic violence overall is reciprocal.
Modern attention to domestic violence started in the women’s movement of the 1970s, particularly within feminism and women’s rights, , as concern about wives being beaten by their husbands gained attention. Only since the late 1970s, and particularly in the masculism and men’s movements of the 1990s, has the problem of domestic violence against men gained any significant attention. Estimates show that 248 of every 1,000 females and 76 of every 1,000 males are victims of physical assault and/or rape committed by their spouses. A 1997 report says significantly more men than women do not tell the identity of their attacker. A 2009 study showed that there was greater acceptance for abuse perpetrated by females than by males.
SCOPE OF THE STUDY:
Violence in the domestic sphere is usually perpetrated by males who are, or who have been, in positions of trust and intimacy and power husbands, boyfriends, fathers, fathers-in-law, stepfathers, brothers, uncles, sons, or other relatives. Domestic violence is in most cases violence perpetrated by men against women. Women can also be violent, but their actions account for a small percentage of domestic violence. Violence against women is often a cycle of abuse that manifests itself in many forms throughout their lives (see Table 1). Even at the very beginning of her life, a girl may be the target of sex-selective abortion or female infanticide in cultures where son preference is prevalent.
During childhood, violence against girls may include enforced malnutrition, lack of access to medical care and education, incest, female genital mutilation. Early marriage, and forced prostitution or bonded labour. Some go on to suffer throughout their adult lives – battered, raped and even murdered at the hands of intimate partners. Other crimes of violence against women include forced pregnancy, abortion or erilization, and harmful traditional practices such as dowry-related violence, sati (the burning of a widow on the funeral pyre of her husband), and killings in the name of honour. And in later life, widows and elderly women may also experience abuse.
While the impact of physical abuse may be more ‘visible’ than psychological scarring, repeated humiliation and insults, forced isolation, limitations on social mobility, constant threats of violence and injury, and denial of economic resources are more subtle and insidious forms of violence. The intangible nature of psychological abuse makes it harder to define and report, leaving the woman in a situation where she is often made to feel mentally destabilized and powerless.
Table 1 – Examples of Violence against Women
Throughout the Life Cycle
Phase
Type of violence
Pre-birth
Sex-selective abortion; effects of battering during pregnancy on birth outcomes.
Infancy
Female infanticide; physical, sexual and psychological abuse.
Girlhood
Child marriage; female genital mutilation; physical, sexual and
Psychological abuse; incest; child prostitution and pornography.
Adolescence and
Adulthood
Dating and courtship violence (e.g. acid throwing and date rape)
economically coerced sex (e.g. school girls having sex with “sugar daddies” in return for school fees); incest; sexual abuse in the workplace; rape; sexual harassment; forced prostitution and
pornography; trafficking in women; partner violence; marital rape; dowry abuse and murders; partner homicide; psychological abuse; Abuse of women with disabilities; forced pregnancy.
Elderly
Forced “suicide” or homicide of widows for economic reasons; sexual, Physical and psychological abuse.
DEFINITIONS:
The U. S. Office on Violence against Women (OVW) defines domestic violence as a “pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner”. The definition adds that domestic violence “can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender”, and that it can take many forms, including physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional, economic, and psychological abuse.
The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service in the United Kingdom in its “Domestic Violence Policy” uses domestic violence to refer to a range of violent and abusive behaviours, defining it as: Patterns of behaviour characterized by the misuse of power and control by one person over another who are or have been in an intimate relationship. It can occur in mixed gender relationships and same gender relationships and has profound consequences for the lives of children, individuals, families and communities. It may be physical, sexual, emotional and/or psychological. The latter may include intimidation, harassment, hurt to property, threats and financial abuse.
In Spain, the 2004 Measures of Integral Protection against Gendered Violence defined gendered violence as a violence that is directed at women for the very fact of being women. The law acknowledges that women are considered by their attackers as lacking the basic rights of freedom, respect, and choice making capability. The law established Courts of “Violence against Women” and suspended presumption of innocence for men accused of domestic violence. Spanish Courts are empowered to hold closed door hearings before trial and evict men from their homes; suspend parental rights, child custody, or visitation rights; and bar men from possessing weapons.
TYPES IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
Physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm. Physical abuse includes hitting, slapping, punching, choking, pushing, and other types of contact that result in physical injury to the victim. Physical abuse can also include behaviors such as denying the victim of medical care when needed, depriving the victim of sleep or other functions necessary to live, or forcing the victim to engage in drug/alcohol use against his/her will. It can also include inflicting physical injury onto other targets, such as children or pets, in order to cause psychological harm to the victim.
Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships: The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that between one-third and one-half of all battered women are raped by their partners at least once during their relationship. Any situation in which force is used to obtain participation in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity constitutes sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom consensual sex has occurred, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.
Categories of sexual abuse include:
Use of physical force to compel a person to engage in a sexual act against his or her will, whether or not the act is completed;
Attempted or completed sex act involving a person who is unable to know the nature or condition of the act, unable to decline participation, or unable to communicate unwillingness to engage in the sexual act, e.g., because of underage immaturity, illness, disability, or the influence of alcohol or other drugs, or because of intimidation or pressure; and
Abusive sexual contact.
Emotional abuse (also called psychological abuse or mental abuse) can include humiliating the victim privately or publicly, controlling what the victim can and cannot do, withholding information from the victim, deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed, isolating the victim from friends and family, implicitly blackmailing the victim by harming others when the victim expresses independence or happiness, or denying the victim access to money or other basic resources and necessities.
Emotional abuse also includes conflicting actions or statements which are designed to confuse and make insecurity in the victim. These behaviors also lead the victim to question themselves, causing them to believe that they are making up the abuse or that the abuse is their fault. Emotional abuse includes forceful efforts to isolate the victim, keeping them from contacting friends or family. This is intended to eliminate others who might try to help them leave the relationship and to make a lack of resources available for them to rely on if they were to leave. Isolation also results in damaging the victim’s sense of internal strength, leaving them feeling helpless and unable to escape from the situation.
Verbal abuse (also called reviling) is a form of abusive behavior involving the use of language. It is a form of profanity that can occur with or without the use of expletives. Whilst oral communication is the most common form of verbal abuse, it includes abusive words in written form.
Economic abuse is when the abuser has control over the victim’s money and other economic resources. In its extreme (and usual) form, this involves putting the victim on a strict “allowance”, withholding money at will and forcing the victim to beg for the money until the abuser gives them some money. It is common for the victim to receive less money as the abuse continues. This also includes preventing the victim from finishing education or obtaining employment, or intentionally squandering or misusing communal resources.
CAUSES:
There are many different theories as to the causes of domestic violence. These include psychological theories that consider personality traits and mental characteristics of the perpetrator, as well as social theories which consider external factors in the perpetrator’s environment, such as family structure, stress, social learning.
Psychological:
In general, about 80% of both court-referred and self-referred men in these domestic violence studies exhibited diagnosable psychopathology, typically personality disorders. Estimates of personality disorder in the general population would be more in the 15-20% range. As violence becomes more severe and chronic, the likelihood of psychopathology in these men approaches 100%.” Psychological theories focus on personality traits and mental characteristics of the offender. Personality traits include sudden bursts of rage, poor impulse control, and poor self-esteem. Various theories suggest that psychopathology and other personality disorders are factors, and that abuse experienced as a child leads some people to be more violent as adults.
Behavioral:
Behavioral theories of domestic violence focus on the use of functional assessment with the goal of reducing episodes of violence to zero rates. This program leads to behavior therapy. Often by identifying the antecedents and consequences of violent action, the abusers can be taught self control.
Social stress:
Violence is not always caused by stress, but may be one way that some (but not all) people respond to stress. Families and couples in poverty may be more likely to experience domestic violence, due to increased stress and conflicts about finances and other aspects. Some speculate that poverty may hinder a man’s ability to live up to his thought of “successful manhood”, thus he fears losing honor and respect.
Mental illness:
Psychiatric disorders are sometimes associated with domestic violence, like Borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, Bipolar disorder, Schizophrenia, Drug abuse and Alcoholism. In past medical knowledge, untreated Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and Conduct disorder in childhood was associated with domestic violence in adulthood.
Gender roles and expectations can and do play a role in abusive situations, and exploring these roles and expectations can be helpful in addressing abusive situations, as do factors like race, class, religion, sexuality and philosophy. None of these factors cause one to abuse or another to be abused.
FACTORS: Various factors affecting the domestic violence on women.
Table 2 – Factors That Perpetuate Domestic Violence
Cultural
i. Gender-specific socialization
ii. Cultural definitions of appropriate sex roles
iii. Expectations of roles within relationships
iv. Belief in the inherent superiority of males
v. Values that give men proprietary rights over women and girls
vi. Notion of the family as the private sphere and under male control
vii. Customs of marriage (bride price/dowry)
Acceptability of violence as a means to resolve conflict
Economic
Women’s economic dependence on men
Limited access to cash and credit
Discriminatory laws regarding inheritance, property rights, use of communal lands, and maintenance after divorce or widowhood
Limited access to employment in formal and informal sectors
Limited access to education and training for women
Legal
a) Lesser legal status of women either by written law and/or by practice
b) Laws regarding divorce, child custody, maintenance and inheritance
c) Legal definitions of rape and domestic abuse
d) Low levels of legal literacy among women
e) Insensitive treatment of women and girls by police and judiciary
Political
Under-representation of women in power, politics, the media and in the legal and medical professions
Domestic violence not taken seriously
Notions of family being private and beyond control of the state
Risk of challenge to status quo/religious laws
Limited organization of women as a political force
Limited participation of women in organized political system
STRATEGIES AND INTERVENTIONS:
Domestic violence is a complex problem and there is no one strategy that will work in all situations. To start with, violence may take place within very different societal contexts, and the degree to which it is sanctioned by a community will naturally influence the kind of strategy needed. Considering the interconnections between the factors responsible for domestic violence – gender dynamics of power, culture and economics – strategies and interventions should be designed within a comprehensive and integrated framework. A multi-layered strategy that addresses the structural causes of violence against women while providing immediate services to victim-survivors ensures sustainability and is the only strategy that has the potential to eliminate this scourge. When plotting strategies and interventions, there are a variety of stakeholders that should be borne in mind. Partnerships with these stakeholders can operate on several levels at once.
1. At the level of the family, the Stakeholders include women, men,Adolescents and children.
2. within the local community, partnerships have to be developed with traditional elders, religious leaders, Community-based groups, neighborhood, associations, men’s groups (e.g.,village farmers’ associations), local councils and village level bodies.
3. Within civil society, the range of partners include professional groups, women’s and men’s groups, NGOs, the private sector, the media, academia, and trade unions.
4. At the international level, thestakeholders include international organizations (such as the United Nations agencies, the World Bank, and the regional development banks).
Domestic violence is a health, legal, economic, educational, developmental and human rights problem. Strategies should be designed to operate across a broad range of areas depending upon the context in which they are delivered. Key areas for intervention include:
advocacy and awareness raising
education for building a culture of nonviolence
training
resource development
direct service provision to victim survivors and perpetrators
networking and community mobilization
direct intervention to help victim survivors rebuild their lives
legal reform
monitoring interventions and measures
data collection and analysis
Early identification of ‘at risk’ families, Communities, groups, and individuals.
Above all, five underlying principles should guide all strategies and interventions attempting to address domestic violence:
a) prevention
b) protection
c) early intervention
d) rebuilding the lives of victim-survivors
e) Accountability
REFERENCE:
1. Roberts, A (2002). Handbook of domestic violence intervention strategies:Policies, programs, and legal remedies. New York: Oxford University Press.
2. World Health Organization (1996) ‘Violence against Women’. WHO Consultation, Geneva: WHO.
3. Johnson, Michael P., Kathleen J. Ferraro (2000). “Research on Domestic Violence in the 1990s: Making Distinctions”. Journal of Marriage and the Family 62 (4): 948–63.
4. Christie, D. J., Wagner, R. V., & Winter, D. A. (Eds.). (2001). Peace, Conflict, and Violence: Peace Psychology for the 21st Century.Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall.
A Theoretical Model of Spouse Abuse by Christian Fundamentalists
Some time ago, I chose to conduct a study to determine if Christian fundamentalist men represented a population with an increased likelihood of engaging in domestic violence. I had determined to complete a literature review and then proceed to interview counselors from a crisis center offering help to women experiencing abuse. It seemed like a excellent “plot of attack,” and was straightforward and could be easily interpreted.
Two problems, but, stood in the way of my research. I teach at a college and had simple access to many psychology and sociology databases. The first problem I encountered was that the literature was sparse and inconclusive at best. In general, small difference could be found in abusive patterns represented by the liberal religious, the nonreligious, and fundamentalists. Second, what small interviewing I did resulted in no “clear cut” pattern of religious affiliation among abusers. In fact, I found that variable often to be unaddressed or indeterminate-i.e. in general, it could only be “guessed at” or inferred.
I found this puzzling, as I could certainly reckon of a theoretical model of abuse at least somewhat fueled by fundamentalist belief. The variety of fundamentalism I had in mind was not the more “cultic” variety, but that represented by many folks’ neighbors and coworkers-a biblical absolutism and literalism that lead to an authoritarian and hierarchical view of marriage, decidedly male dominated. Examples of abuse of both children and spouses already existed in more extreme groups. (For a chilling account, read Under the Banner of Heaven). Further, as has been discussed on many on-line forums and in responses to my blog (where I have posted much of the evidence gathered from my earlier literature review), as well as support groups and other venues, there is much anecdotal evidence that supports the prevalence of spousal abuse among fundamentalists.
In saying that my literature review produced inconclusive results, I want to expand on what I reckon “inconclusive” means and doesn’t mean. First, my review DID NOT deal with fundamentalism of the more cultic variety. I reckon there is small doubt about that one. As has been stated crazy, sectarian, fundamentalist religious groups (such as polygamous Mormons) are clearly wife abusers. They seem to be unrepentant about it. They reckon it’s just part of life. Men in such groups seem to believe that they have the prerogative to abuse women.
But, my interest is elsewhere. My work related to fundamentalism has always dealt with fundamentalism as it is represented in well loved culture. My attempt is to paint an accurate picture of everyday, garden-variety fundamentalism– like that of the Christian radio “family life experts,” the many well loved televangelists, or maybe “the small church down the road” where your next-door neighbors attend. I have always been interested in that population, likely because I was once a part of it.
So, here is the evidence, as I know it:
1. In fundamentalism, men are seen as authority figures.
2. Women are expected to “submit” to their husbands– a promise my wife wrote into her vows when we were married 32 years ago.
3. Women are, for all practical purposes, second-class citizens.
4. Men are encouraged to “take charge.”
5. Fundamentalist churches can hardly be called bastions of the principles of non-resistance and non-violence. They don’t support a “gentler way.”
6. Fundamentalists are quick to support coercive and lethal means of punishment such as corporal punishment for children, punitive civil justice, and, ultimately, the death penalty.
7. Fundamentalists tend to support a position of civil retributive justice as opposed to distributive or restorative justice.
8. Fundamentalist churches take passages concerning a wrathful God at face value.
9. Many of these principles are preached on a regular basis from fundamentalist pulpits.
10. Sadly, somehow, fundamentalist churches, husbands, boyfriends, and preachers manage to brainwash women into thinking this system is from God and that it is in their best interest.
11. All of this points to a subculture that is male-dominant, rigidly authoritarian, obedient to religious leaders, and honestly accepting of violence as a method of social/personal control.
Taking the above observations as reasonably accurate, it is simple to construct a theoretical model of wife abuse at the hands of a fundamentalist husband. In fact, a simple example illustrating that model can be given in just a few small paragraphs. Imagine that a wife doesn’t go along with a husband’s decisions. Or, imagine that she stops believing in the male authority point of view. You can see how that might cause a quandary for a fundamentalist husband.
He’s been told repeatedly that he is “in charge.” He has been told that this position is given to him directly on the authority of God. Likely, the wife has agreed to be submissive, if the marriage took place when they were both fundamentalist adherents. Also, he is probably getting regular “booster shots” of the authoritarian dribble at church and from coreligionists on a regular basis. Divorce is taboo, or close to it.
Might not such a husband become very agitated, frustrated, and mad? Additionally, might he not view his rage as a type of righteous indignation? In such a case, is it not possible that something just “snaps” and he lashes out at his wife? Perhaps physically, but if not, certainly with all kinds of psychological pressure and abuse?
This may be a phenomenon very hard to document empirically because it depends on self-report regarding both behaviors and religious beliefs. I believe that this was the downfall in my original methodology. Since my original choice to study this phenomenon, I have been devising a different way to go about things. It just stands to reason that research to this point would tend to be inconclusive. It is likely that many men (and women) would be rather guarded and reticent to “come clean” about it all. How much are fundamentalist adherents, either abusers or the abused willing to tell? The approaches taken thus far have relied, at least in large measure, on precisely on such self-report.
Still, I do know from my history among the fundamentalists that abusive scenarios have been played out in tragic scenes spurred on by pathological religious devotion. I do not say that such abuse is frequent. I do, but, believe that fundamentalist indoctrination and belief makes domestic violence a more likely occurrence.
The Status Quo And Problems Of Cloth Industry
  To determine the attributes and positioning of the industry, sewing industry is a part of home industry – three sub-sectors textiles, furnishings, furniture, triple composite industry, in terms of certain areas, it means that the industry’s development path and future, as the cloth material, just nice for decorative fabrics, in the end what is it? Many people do not know this issue thoroughly.
Marketing system in mainland China, the cloth market has been in a weak position, and few are concerned, means identical. In the 2008 wave of the outbreak of the international economic recession, the cloth of the foreign sales business has been a heavy blow, many companies started to turn attention to the domestic sales, but by this time, we suddenly one perplexed: How should marketing, fabric, cloth Marketing Where is the way out?
As the fabric product as a broader product line, at least, including curtains, pillowcases, bed linens, cushions, cushion, sofa sets, table cloth, wall covering, cloth toys. Its distribution channels are also more diverse, the future will show even more specialization, scale, character, brand trends, but no country is really strong retail terminal of cloth, so to achieve a fantastic sales pressure is very large, different cloth enterprise should be based on their own resources and positioning, and to find effective channels for a breakthrough. Stop-gap measures alone can not solve the fundamental breakthrough in the development of cloth business, we must proceed from the market and consumer demand to grow their own to find a path.
  Concerned about the preferences of mainstream consumer group
As we all know, sewing products are basically a low-attention, products, and products of any one company can not meet the needs of all consumer groups, but for the mainstream consumer base, first go a new house renovation potential consumer base, but the daily buy of cloth decorated group of consumers at home, as the cloth business stakeholders must be given fantastic attention, in fact from the general point of view, the sale of textile products are mainly targeted at young women, Chinese household consumption by more than 80 percent of women domination and led, for the female consumer psychology and consumer behavior characteristics, there must be a basic understanding of:
1, partner-style consumption
Usually a young woman to go shopping more often than not a person to always want to Zhao Geban with her may be a husband, boyfriend, is also likely to be female friends, colleagues, students and so on. The reason this way, with most women’s “dependency” of personality is closely related to, hoping that someone recognized her and gave her suggestions, some people will praise her, and someone to take care of her, and spend their leisure time, to avoid making irrational consumption decisions. This is for friends who engaged in retail trade, we must be aware of, and make the appropriate measures can provide professional services to accompany the buy shopping guide. Accompanying persons on the guidance and praise, so that women’s consumption when they make their buying intentions, can not sing a different tune, or even can be used, peer consumption, and also buy two products, the number of concessions to strengthen their purchasing decisions.
Of course, cloth retailers must be aware that if women with a male consumers go shopping, then try to set up a rest area in the store, or for men, casual place, and even of the first floor engaged in a “husband Depositories” . Because, according to statistics found that men accompany women shopping, usually not more than 50 minutes will be tired (due to the complexity involved in evolutionary psychology, interested in the exchange with the author), at a time when women are at a stage surrounded by dazzling commodities , For them, shopping is the best form of entertainment. Behavior between them and therefore must be treated differently.
2, impulsive consumption
Women in the shopping process, tend to be product’s unique style, packaging, show image, attracted by the price discount. Have been to the mall to buy a sweater, the results of upstairs, downstairs, shopping malls there are 10 layers, since the small nine-tale ran, and finally to sell the counter buy cardigan sweater, this time in the hands of the packages have been Eurya a lot of merchandise. This regard, we not uncommon in the daily consumption behavior. But after the female consumer psychology impulse to engage in sales of the friends who are often ignored.
For instance, your girlfriend, or you yourself as a woman, will not encounter such a situation, shopping malls are doing promotions and saw a pair of the latest styles of casual shoes and excellent, but sold out later, have not yet come home, you’ll regret it , it may feel uncomfortable wear, they may reckon that this pair of shoes, stockings and clothes there is no suitable distribution. Your next go might be shelved this pair of shoes, they ignored, or the next day, in order to match this pair of shoes to look better, went to store bought pants, skirts, clothing, scarves, stockings, socks, handbags and a series of “accessories.” Perhaps, it down with, perhaps only satisfied, but also has paid a lot of energy and financial resources, this is the so-called silent costs as business is concerned, should look carefully at this point, through the guide consumption, so that those who produced over the last shopping terrible experience of women customers, through the hand, the formation of an integrated, systematic, holistic purchasing behavior, recognizing this, we engaged in an integration fabric, the overall fabric of the sales model to determine the basic model, such as the right to buy off fabric sofa female consumers, through the dissemination and services to inform them of their use of fabric sofas, what kind of cushion pillow, take and even what color the sofa with towels, as well as the surrounding fabric accessories. More often than simple name of more targeted promotions.
3, sensory shopping
Women naturally more sensitive, an analogy, women can also receive 10 external information, and a maximum of three men. Therefore, as enterprises are concerned, it is necessary in the product, packaging, terminals, brand image of the multi-sensory stimulation, causing women’s curiosity and attention.
For example the visual side, a lovable cartoon character and the appeal of the model with a star, but it is not enough, we must have innovative thoughts on the screen, such as Germany Zwilling kitchen, a woman dressed in a white evening dress holding a bright knife, like this scene in order to instantly give the impression that women are generally more intuitive.
4, the comparisons consumption
Many professional women, see their friends or colleagues to buy a high-end designer handbag, they may have half a year under the banner of the name of weight loss, do not eat lunch, even dinner, accumulated under the silver to buy a better, so that consumption comparisons abound, in fact, why do so many branded goods, the real goal is to become a female consumer is used to competition, reflect the value of the image of their own equipment, so companies do not have to worry circulation problems. Now, some enterprises, but with particular emphasis on value for money, just sell the product itself, ignoring the female consumer “is better than vanity, like of the gorgeous like” mentality, and sometimes are niche players.
Even if affordable, but also in the image and dissemination, to women consumers to buy after the face-specific, unique temperament, the special sense of value, even than those expensive luxury even better, for example, is now the rise of man-made diamonds, artificial jewelry, we must address this issue.
In fact, some women even if the disposable income of consumers is limited, but will find ways, or to allow a husband, boyfriend, father, to realize their wish, so the cloth merchants have to see this point, Johnson & Johnson Development of calcium supplementation against women chocolate health products – calcium Connaught defeated Mai City, is not see this point clearly, so that the products are generally women will not buy it, because there is no value of comparisons, but to convert their appeal, then, is to give him her boyfriend bought, the comparisons of the out, a woman heard a man give his wife bought a calcium to the hospital she was going to reckon, she would reckon that her husband really thoughtful, really romantic, buying chocolates still want to buy Calcium, and soon will be to their boyfriend or husband face to see, such a state, which a girlfriend of a man does not sell?
5, relationship-based consumption
Women are particularly concerned about is the “sense of security”, so not only value the product itself, but also cares about the product or business, and in the end is what I was kind of relationship is a common friend? Or lovers do? Or a husband, lover, father. If an enterprise and women to establish a long-term, stable, lasting, deep relationships, will bring considerable sales of enterprises for sustainable growth. Do not be worried, in the female consumers to spend money on, they do not bother to bring a man less, sustained ad spending and thoughtful and careful service, or by continuous communication and contact, can make women fall in like with you. A period of time even if she did not become your customers, it does not matter, as long as you come in contact with her, and were able to maintain an ongoing interaction, then, tend to be brand loyal customer.
This is why we find that a lot of beauty salons institutions, hairdressing techniques and consumption environment are in general, but still have a stable consumer base, and then take a look at cosmetics, once a beauty consultant, and to establish contacts, making intimacy, then the consumer those who will not only buy their own brand of skin care products that will also recommend to friends to delight in, which is unique to women, consumer psychology, attach importance to bilateral relations, and sometimes more than the product itself. In particular, some cute cloth dolls, these things tend to attract female attention, although many women had been adults, but often lack a sense of security, hold the baby sometimes let emotions better, and as the image and show props, may be appropriately used in the Related Fabric Products and activities.
In life, women play multiple roles, daughter, girl, girls, career woman, lover, wife, mother, sister and so far, they have a excellent grasp of the key, and make you and such a relationship with female consumers, as the Avon said, was like “do female friends”, and enterprises will have a large number of hard-core supporters and consumers, as business and they formed a small family, as inseparable, and the U.S. the United States.
Biopsychosocial Dimensions Of Human Behavior
Introduction
The human species is distinctly different from all other species because of their behavioral aspect. Many scholars, psychologists and socialists have sought to clarify human behavior. Some people prefer to look at it from a biological point of view while others prefer to consider the sociological aspects. For purposes of this paper, an analysis of the biopsychosocial aspects will be conducted and then applied to a critical life event.
Biopsychosocial dimension
The biopsychosocial dimension of human behavior is an incorporation of the biological psychological and social factors that clarify human behavior. Starting with the biological dimensions; scientists assert that human behavior can be clarified through genetics and heredity. In this case genetics is primarily determined by DNA (a special type of compound found in the cells). The latter compound is primarily responsible for an individual’s behavioral outcome. There are three main sections under which one can know the biological aspect of human behavior. The first is through intelligence. Biological scientists assert that one’s intelligence is partly determined by their genes. This assertion is verified by the strong correlation between the IQ intelligence traits of twins. Similarly, certain depictions of intelligence are common in closely related family members. (Kimble and Colman, 1995)
The biological approach also clarifies certain peculiar behavior through heredity and genetics. For instance, schizophrenia; A study conducted upon two closely related subjects such as brothers who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia found that a large percentage of these individuals really had genetic component that were similar in nature. These scientists but warned that the presence of a certain genetic component need not mean that persons will behave in a certain way. Instead other aspects have to be considered too.
The third component of the biological explanation of human behavior is related to certain uncontrollable actions that are common to all individuals. They clarify this through the nervous system. For instance when one has been subjected to extreme hunger, their brain tells them to look for food. In cases where a human being is subjected to extreme conditions for instance when they are situated in a place with no conventional food; they may be forced to look for anything edible e.g. fruits, roots and herbs. Eating roots from the bush may not be a common occurrence in day to day lives; but, it is plausible in certain conditions. Taking another example of sleep; through the genetic approach, it is possible to know why certain human beings tend to sleep more than others. Biochemists assert that there is a certain part of the brain responsible for controlling ones sleep known as the medulla oblongata. Consequently, when there is a malfunction in ones medulla oblongata or when it is working excessively, then an individual will tend to sleep more or be less alert in meetings than others. Through these examples, it is possible to know why the human being behaves the way he does in certain instances. (Barrett, 2004)
The biopsychosocial explanation also entails psychological aspects. Through this approach, one can know human behavior through cognitive development. In this approach most human beings are able to deduce meaning from occurrences through the relationships which they develop in their minds about that particular item. As the mind develops and gets accustomed to certain thoughts, then it starts reacting towards them in certain way and this brings about different reactions. There are numerous psychologists who contributed towards psychological theories of behavior and some of them include;
Maslow
Freud
Erikson
These psychologists all had their various explanations about human behavior. But, these will not be examined in detail here. Nonetheless, certain emerging issues come out of the work that these psychologists did. They tended to agree with the notion that humans are largely effected by their surroundings and that most of them may adopt behavior subconsciously.
Psychological analyses of the human mind also allow one to know the reason behind certain emotions. They also provide a platform against which one can know why certain human beings may react emotionally to a certain issue while others may be unaffected by it. For instance, the issue of temperance differs from person to person. This is largely shaped by the role that the mind has on that specific individual. (Barrett, 2004)
The last aspect of the biopsychosocial explanations of human behavior is the social aspect. Here, one must consider the influences that family and culture have on human behavior. When trying to know the effect of culture and family on human behavior, it can be very hard to do so since the influences are complicated. It should be noted that in social analysis, there is a difference between ideal behavior, actual behavior and believed behavior. For instance, when one visits another culture to find out things about them, it is likely that those persons may place on ‘a show’ to impress the visitor. If it is a family, then that person may want to described his family in positive light thus asking his children and wife to tidy up and wear their best outfit. Consequently, in order to know the influence of culture or family on foreign persons, it would be favorable to get them in their natural setting either when they are unaware or when the observer is far away from them.
The concept of believed behavior is also vital in analyzing cultural influences on behavior because one can know why certain things occur the way they do. For example, a study asking men in North America whether they help their wives in household chores, it was found that a majority of them felt that housework was split fifty-fifty between the wife and the husband. But, when the researchers themselves sought to find out what really proceeds in most households, it was found that a large percentage of the men really did not help their spouses with housework but in their minds, they honestly thought that this was the case. This sort of behavior can be classified as believed behavior. When it comes to cultural influences, one must also consider ideal behavior. For instance, in China, the role of woman was strictly defined in the home. Most of them were thought as second class members of their families. But, with the introduction of the one child per family polices, more families preferred male children or females. Consequently, those who were pregnant with girls finished up terminating their pregnancies (although it was outlawed). This eventually made a generation in which the ratio of women to men was so very low. Men realized that in order to get a wife, they had to be educated, rich and maybe even willing to let them control the house. Consequently, the ideal behavior for a woman in Chinese society would have been to act subordinately to the man, but, because of the changes in demographics. Women had more leverage or bargaining power and could therefore choose no to do certain things. (Ashfor et al, 2007)
Culture has an intense effect on human behavior because it determines how people react to others, how they express their feelings among others. A study comparing American children with Japanese children found that there were substantial differences between these two groups. When American children were questioned whether they would beat a child if they were punched, a large majority of them claimed that they would do so. When the Japanese children were questioned whether they would hit back when really hit, it was found that a larger number of them claimed that they would not. An actual analysis found that more Japanese children really hit their counterparts than the Americans; its just that they did not articulate this. In other words, one can deduce the fact that in the American culture, children are more expressive and may even make assertions that they will not adhere to. But, in the Asian culture, children are taught to be subservient or to be less expressive in their words.
Culture also influences one’s understanding of the goings on in a particular area. For example, when a village woman from the Kalahari Desert in Southern Africa is taken to a North American wedding, she might not know what is going. She would wonder why a bride is dressed in white and why she is really surrounded by other persons wearing closely related outfits. Perhaps the weirder from Africa might deduce that this is really an ongoing ceremony but may not know the intricacies surrounding that ceremony. She would also wonder why some people are holding flowers while others are not. Through this example, it is possible to know why certain behaviors would occur the way they do.
Spiritual dimension
The latter biopsychosocial model of human behavior incorporates three parameters, yet there is another component to human behavior that may not be fully accounted for by the latter mentioned approaches. This is the spiritual dimension. The spiritual dimension is that element in the human being that some people call the inner psyche. In other words, it the aspect of a human being that decides between what is moral and what is immoral. It makes a conscious within us and it also allows an individual to exert more control of their lives. Through the spiritual dimension, it is possible for one to know why human beings like one another. It is also possible to know certain ‘abstract’ concepts such as freedom. The spiritual dimension is that inner voice of authority within any human beings that allows them to either control or act upon their instincts. (Ilham, 2000)
Without the spiritual opinions, human beings would be no different from the rest of the animal kingdom because they would let their feelings control them rather than vice versa. (it should be noted that feelings in this case refer to instincts). Many psychologists have claimed that there is a higher dimension in life. In other words, it is that aspect of the human being that prevents one from being impulsive. They strive to be better or for perfection and this is what sets human being apart from their counterparts in the animal kingdom.
Critical life event
An example of a critical life event that would affect all the three dimensions is living in a step family. In the event that a child is subjected to a painful loss of a parent, and then expected to cope with step family, then chances are that that issue may affect them in all the three realms. For instance, a child who has grown up in a step family may be affected psychologically. This is because certain psychological needs may not be met. For instance, such a person is likely to develop sleep disorders, depressive disorders or even other more intense issues such a drug abuse. The psychological reasons behind this are that human beings require certain things at various stages of development in their lifespan. When one fails to access those things, then they are likely to carry forward that aspect into their lives. This is the reason why certain ladies tend to be promiscuous simply because they grew up without a father.
The critical event of loosing a parent can also affect a subject socially. In other words, one may be perceived by others s subordinate and this could result into feelings of low self esteem. Such a person may not be able to interact with his or her peers and may develop isolationist tendencies. It should be noted that these reactions will be affected by one’s cultural background. For instance, in certain cultures, it is normal to grow up with step families because polygamy is common. Consequently, such an individual will turn out very differently. (Ilham, 2000)
One’s heredity can also come into play when trying to know the effects of step families. Certain individuals have greater temperaments and may depict their rage in more aggressive ways such as through antisocial behavior. Scientists assert that certain people have a greater tendency to exhibit antisocial behavior because of their biological makeup.
Conclusion
The biopsychosocial model is quite useful in understanding behavior because it clarifies some of the things that human beings cannot control and some of the things that they can. But, there is a limit to this approach because it does not account for the moral aspect of the human nature. In the model, issues such as like, freedom etc cannot be clarified.
Sources
Barrett, C. (2004): Cognitive development and the understanding of animal behavior, Center for behavior, evolution, culture and Development, retrieved from http://www.anthro.ucla.edu/faculty/barrett/Barrett-osm-distribute.pdf
Kimble, D. and Colman, M (1995): Biological aspects of behavior, Longman Publishers, available at http://www.le.ac.uk/psychology/amc/
Ilham, D. (2000): Psychology and Human Behavior: is there a limit to psychological explanation, Cambridge University Press, 75,183-201
Ashford, LeCray & Latie (2007): Human Behavior in the social environment, Rout ledge
An Interview With Dr. Damon, Pres. of the Ngh
Cal: Hello everybody, this is Cal Banyan. Excellent morning, excellent afternoon, excellent evening, whenever and wherever you are. Thanks for calling in live and thanks for listening to the recording of the Meet the Pros Program. We bring some of the largest names in the profession, to give you free seminars of the topic hypnosis. I’m so glad to have all of you here today and especially glad to have our guest. The Meet the Pros program can be found on www.hypnosis.org where we organize hypnosis information to you.
I want to introduce one of our most special guests we’ve ever, ever had on the program, I want to introduce Dr. Dwight Damon, who is certainly one of my fantastic heroes and mentors in the profession of hypnotism. Dr. Damon has been a powerful source of positive change, not only in the profession of hypnotism but also in his community and now around the world. He served his country as a US Coast guard, he’s been a member of many humanitarian fraternal organizations, he’s been recognized by many of these organizations and the US government as a leader. I’ve seen his office and many, many of his awards and recognitions that he’s collected over the years.
As the founder and leader of The Nation Guild of Hypnotists, Dr. Damon has a methodically built hypnosis and hypnotism into a distinct and respectable profession. Dr. Damon has spent a half century amassing a membership of around thousand hypnotists and has being a leading force in setting meaningful and professional standards and ethics. The leading force behind providing an opportunity for professional hypnotists to affiliate with the AFLCIL the hypnotist union and he’s established two professional publications as well as a consumer magazine of hypnosis. The profession publications being The Hypno-Gram and the Journal of Hypnotism and the consumer publication is the Hypnosis Today Magazine
.
As the president of the NGH he ensures the holding of the annual conference for the NGH members every year and this is but a partial list of accomplishments in Hypnotism that he has attained. He has also been a success in the entertainment industry and gosh, I could just go on and on, on the internet looking for information about Dr. Damon, he’s accomplished all this and hypnotists around the world are greatly in his debt – especially and including myself. The development of hypnotism as a distinct profession did not happen on its own and the credit belongs primarily to the doc – as I call him, Dr. Dwight Damon. I’ve heard it said, rightly so that Dr. Dwight Damon is the founding father of hypnosis as a distinct profession.
Welcome Doc to the Meet the Pros Free Seminar Program. Thanks for taking the time for the call and be in the seminar, I bet things are really busy for you now at NGH headquarters.
Dr. Damon: They are but I’m still writing, I mean that was a excellent introduction, thank you. A very kind introduction Cal and I’m not the only founder – I’m one of the founders of The Guild. We were, a group of men back then, the amusing thing is – way back then there weren’t any women that were interested in our profession and so really it was a bunch of men in Boston, Massachusetts that chose The Journal. Under the mentorship of Dr. Rexford L. North. And, there are some of us that are still active in The Guild, Maurice Kershaw up in Canada; Dr. John Hughes from out in Las Vegas and Arnold Levison; come to mind the rest of our small group have sadly gone on hypnosis convention in the sky, you might say?
Cal: How did you happen to, I’m kind of a chronological systematic kind of guy and I wondered if you could give the students in here and the audience, a background on how you got into hypnotism in the first place?
Dr. Damon: Sure I’ll be glad to. Originally when I was growing up, my parents owned a theatrical agency and I got to meet all sorts of different entertainers and I was intrigued with magic, as a lot of young people are, when they get their first magic set for Christmas and so forth. But I had the privilege of meeting the professionals that were well known in the field. So I just gravitated to that and when I was 12 or 13 years ancient I was working professionally as a magician and doing all right and it didn’t hurt having my family booking acts at the entertainment agency, they certainly took care of things and also introduced me to a lot more agents in the Boston area and of course I still needed the education as they didn’t want me just to go into show business.
I was attending college in Boston and this was a while ago, and I was on my way to a Rush meeting for a Phi Alpha Tau fraternity and I was walking along and I saw a small poster it said ‘Learn Genuine Hypnotism, Hypnotize Yourself and Others’. I thought ‘genuine hypnotism’ and I had buy a book a couple of years before, where I was in Christian Academy and this was Leitner’s book on Hypnotism. And I had read the book early and used the book as my guide in trying to hypnotize other students and faculty members and I was successful to a small degree.
I really did not know that you could not learn from a book and I’m still of the opinion you can’t learn from distance learning videos and so forth. I want hands on training. But when I saw this poster it was a free lecture demonstration and it just happen to be on the way to this particular place I was going. So I went and there was a gentleman who presented a lecture demonstration really showed us how to hypnotize other people gave a small talk and mentioned he was starting a course in Boston. Back in those days the entire course of instructions was ten lessons and the cost was $50 and $50 was a lot more money than it is now. I called home and talk to my dad and told him I wanted to take an extracurricular course and he said ‘What is it?’ and I said ‘Well it’s just one of these psychology things and he said ‘No, what is it?’ he knew me better than I thought and I said ‘It’s a course in hypnotism’ and he thought well that would go well with what I had done with the magic…
Cal: You were thinking more of the lines of doing stage hypnosis?
Dr. Damon: Yes, and he said ok and provided me with the $50.00 and I took the course. And then we came out of the 10 lessons, when you graduate you are confident and competent and that’s the line I used with our certified instructors – I want them to turn out graduates who are confident and competent. When we end this course with Dr. North, we could hypnotize people, because we have been doing it. The head of psychiatry, at Mass General was in the course with me and there were a few other older gentlemen that were profession people of various types. They weren’t interested in the stage magic, stage hypnotism, but there were three of us that were. So it became part of my repertoire and then I don’t know I just seem to hit it off with Dr. North and I was attending college in Boston and the first thing, you know I was working at the Hypnotism Center and we had quite a large center which also included an apartment and so the next thing you know, I was working and living there and had chose that was more exciting than going to college.
Cal:
Wow.
Dr. Damon: I was doing that and that’s when we got in doing the Journal of Hypnotism and The Guild. Back in those days there wasn’t anything of that type and Harry Arons, who was a very well known name in New Jersey, publisher and teacher in the field, said: you know, a club like that isn’t going ever go and a magazine – you’re wasting postage money. But he did let us borrow his mailing list combined with ours and it was success. He stayed with us for a while as an associated editor and wrote a regular column, but just like anything else, pretty soon he was sorry he had given us the list. When he saw it was going to be a success so he spun off and he spun off and started American Association of Ethical to Advance Ethical Hypnosis (AEH). He had a very excellent thought; he said well I’m only going to teach licensed health professionals, he later expanded that, at the same time, there were other people doing just strictly that type of instruction. But at The Hypnotism Center in Boston, we taught anyone at all that was interested. In the early days of the Guild, 95% of us were either stage hypnotists or just people who were interested, you might want to say hobbyists, they were interested in hypnotism and maybe 5% were, or could be considered professional hypnotherapists.
Cal: Dr. Damon can you give the audience an thought of when that was? Was it around 1950? 1951?
Dr. Damon: Exactly ’49, ’50 in that range, but staying away from that. Of course I was very young, I was about 5 years ancient then (laughs). But yes it was that long ago 57 years to be exact. In 1950 we started talking about forming The Guild. We didn’t know what we were going to call it but forming an organization at that time. We formally did in it the spring of 1951, and we had already been holding regular meetings in Boston and that was Chapter Number One. Chapter Number Two was in New York City and then it just grew from there. Through the years it grew and then Dr. North disappeared mysteriously and we still to this day are not sure about what happened to him, we’ve heard all sorts of rumors and tales and so forth and those of us, who were really active at the time – we had gone on to other things, we had families to raise and we were either in college or studying professions or businesses and The Guild just sort of putted along we stayed in touch. But we didn’t really experience any growth.
Want me to keep going?
Cal: You’ve got me hypnotized here, I’m just at Chapter two, and I’m just hanging on ever word…
Dr. Damon: Chapter two, when I went out Iowa, after being in the service and being in the service was fantastic being a stage hypnotists because everywhere I went I didn’t need to have any props and anywhere our ship went in, I was always questioned to come over to the NCO club or The Officers Clubs and do a show and I even got paid for it – which was unusual. Also did USO shows where there were centers and they knew I was around. So it was really excellent – I kept my hand in. In boot camp we were out in the afternoon, physically education drills were used, they reckon of all these things you can do to beat each other up, build team effort, that type of thing…
Cal: Yes…
Dr. Damon: Somebody came out and said the chaplain wanted to see Damon. Usually that meant there was someone in the family that had died or something. So in went over and the chaplain said ‘I saw the show last night’, we did a talent show in the huge hanger there and of course, I did hypnotism and he says ‘I saw the show last night, are you related to Dwight Damon in The National Guild and the Journal of Hypnotism? and I said ‘I am Dwight Damon’ and he said ‘you’re Dwight Damon? You have edited some of my stuff’ and he told me his name and sure enough I had.
Cal: Wow.
Dr. Damon: Well I thought, this is certainly fortuitous and he said ‘I tell you what, you shouldn’t be out there getting beat up and all that and that physically education stuff. You could come here every afternoon and we could talk hypnotism’. And I thought that’s ok with me. And so then I was appointed chaplain assistant and that’s the only thing I’ve helped in and then he said ‘you know if you want to work with people in the office here, you can do that in the evening, I’ll let you use my office. The only catch is, I want to be here so I can see what you do’. And ‘I said sure that’s fine too.’ So we did we had several cases, we had one of the physical education tests you have to pass – you have to climb a 50 foot rope, you know, hand over hand. If you’ve never done that before it’s kind of impossible to learn on the spot, if you didn’t pass that particular test then you went to Ex company and they give you another few weeks to try otherwise you’re out…
Cal: This was some remedial training huh?
Dr. Damon: Yeah, I suppose they figured, you might have to abandon ship or something. I don’t know I’ve never climbed the rope after that. Our company yeoman was at a point where there were going to give him one more chance and he said ‘Why don’t you hypnotize me?’ I said ‘Sure’. So we went over to the chaplains office that evening and I used direct suggestion, you know, ‘You’re going to get up in the morning and the first thing you reckon about is your going to down climb that rope and you’re going to go right hand over, hand and you’re just no problem if you go up or if you go down’ and I really built it up.
I woke up the next morning and he wanted to go right then, so we appointed a couple of fellows to keep an eye on him because we didn’t want him just going down there when he wasn’t supposed to go. When we got down to the gym for Phys Ed, the Drill Instructor said ‘Ok fatty, you go first’ and he went out, went up the rope, came back down and went up again and the drill instructor got really mad because he thought he’d been kidding all the time he couldn’t climb the rope. Luckily the chaplain was there and he squared everything away for the past. And the Drill Instructor calmed down and the chaplain went to the Base Commander and said that he had a connection with Life Magazine and he would like them to come and do a tale about that; the modern East Indian rope trick.
Cal:
Wow.
Dr. Damon: Which would have been a fantastic break and the coastguard commander said now, that would be too carnival -istic for the service. So we didn’t get that break. A lot of fascinating things happened you make contacts and they are incredible that one person who had sent in articles for The Journal and yes I had edited them, and knew my name and it just worked together. That was the early days for me.
Cal: See I thought I had heard all of your tales. That’s a new one on me. That’s fantastic.
Dr. Damon: That’s a C tale.
Cal: Excellent, that’s a really cool history. I really want to get to asking you about the huge thought. I hear you talking about that and I really want to help get the word out on that. What exactly do you mean when you talk about the huge thought?
Dr. Damon: Well for years I’ve been saying we have to have a huge thought of it, establishing a separate and distinct profession. I had gone after being in the service; I had gone back to college, gone out to Davenport, Iowa, to Chiropractic College to get my doctorate and went into practice. In those days we I graduated, there were still unlicensed states for chiropractors, maybe 3 or 4 – Louisiana, Massachusetts, New York maybe one other one.
But it was a very tough time even though chiropractic had being very prominently accepted for many, many years it still was a turf war. The physicians did not want us practicing. So I got involved again in publishing just in our state newsletter for our Chiropractic Association. But it gave me a chance to see what was going on in trying to establish the profession.
So, when we chose to bring back The Guild and build it just from a small group of people who were just keeping in touch and not really growing, and we’re now in the age of computers and Elsom Eldridge. He had The Achievement Center in Manchester, New Hampshire. Elsen had been a boyhood friend who learned a lot about magic and hypnotism from me as we were growing up. He took me up to see his Achievement Centre and showed me their computer room and even though I’d been on radio, I didn’t know anything about computers, but we could see the potential. We had lunch and we were talking about, we said ‘Wow’, The Guild could use this to get out to people and so that’s what we did.
The thought was need to establish this as a profession. We don’t just want to be stage hypnotists; we have something to offer the public. I was using hypnosis in my practice as a licensed chiropractor. I wasn’t accepting anyone outside because I had a busy practice but for my regular chiropractic patients, yes fine. ‘Oh you have Agoraphobia? Oh we’ll take care of that while you’re here’.
So it was really kind of fun to be able to use the two. People in town, I was in, saw that neither one I was in tried to kill anyone, so I did get a lot of patients coming in. But they all waited at first. ‘Wow he’s a chiropractor now and a hypnotist and remember, he used to be a magician, so they’re a small bit odd by that.
Our goal is to establish a distinct and separate profession and all of a sudden, I reckon you were there Cal, in Las Vegas and it dawned on me – we were already there, we had already established this profession, we finally have made it were not just admitting it – just not sure of it. So that’s when I said: We are now are a profession…
Cal: Right…
Dr. Damon: Now we have to build on it. Now we have to be professional in what we do and how we dress and how we speak and we have to try as many of our people, who are practicing to practice professionally and build the profession. We are recognized now. I will give you an example of why we can say this. There was a convention of psychologists, and a Head of Division Thirty, which is a committee or group that deals with hypnotherapy; Cal, you know about it?
Cal: Yes…
Dr. Damon: The head of that group, well I won’t mention his name, since this is going on the Internet. Well he got up, in New Orleans in their meeting and outlined what we called The Master Plot, to wipe out what they called “Lay Hypnotists”. And believe me it was a master plot.
Unbenounced to him, quite a few people who were attending that meeting- licensed psychologists and psychiatrists and so forth, who were also members of The Guild. It didn’t take me very long to have a recording and a transcript of exactly what he had in mind for us in his master plot.
So we tried to enlist the aid of other groups to help us combating this. I remember calling AEH, the president at that time, Harry Arons, (he is no longer president) and he said ‘Gee, I’d like to help you Dr. Damon, but you know the thing is, I’d have to hold a committee meeting and I’ve got members from all over the country and the excellent thing about The Guild is I belong to that too, he said, You can make a choice and you can go for it and by the time you go for it, you’ll probably have everything done. So we said, we’ll do it ourselves and we did. Recently I saw a correspondent to the ad on the Internet; someone sent it to me, in which there is no use trying to get rid of them anymore because they have money, they have power they have the union and they’re pretty well established…
Cal: Oh…
Dr. Damon: So we’re not going to get rid of them, what we need to do is control them though -control them by getting the demands for the types of education. So you see they know, that we are here to stay – they’re recognizing us as a professional entity.
Cal: You know, I have written articles and done talks on completely rejecting the mark of “Lay Hypnotists”. If you go into the dictionary, any dictionary you want ‘Lay’ means untrained. And a National Guild of Hypnotists, Certified Hypnotists or Consulting Hypnotists or Hypnotherapists, whatever mark they are using has got as much or more training than your average ‘Professional’, Doctor or Psychologists out there, that are practicing hypnosis.
Dr. Damon: There’s nothing that uniquely qualifies any other health professional then being a hypnotists…
Cal: That’s right…
Dr. Damon: I mean they may get a day and then they get a couple of days of discussion of hypnotism and that’s it.
Cal: That’s right.
Dr. Damon: Maurice Kershaw was teaching pre med and pre dental students up in Canada for many, many years. An effective course I believe, An Introduction into Hypnotism, but I don’t know of any place else that do get any type of training. So no, to call us Lay Hypnotists that’s a misnomer. In your dreams, that’s what I say, as far as they’re concerned.
Cal: That’s really the leisure activity hypnotists…
Dr. Damon:
Yes, …
Cal: I reckon of them as Lay Hypnotists.
Dr. Damon: And we don’t have as many hobbyists anymore, for some reason, I don’t know, I guess…
Cal: Not in The Guild anyway…
Dr. Damon: No and the other fantastic thing is that mentioned before, it was all men and the really fantastic thing is the influx of women into the field. This is wonderful because women seem to take to being professional hypnotists and consulting hypnotists. Most women have a really excellent talent for it and I don’t know what the exact percentages of membership in The Guild, but I would say its maybe 50% of more. Probably more…
Cal: Yes probably. You know in most of the helping professions like a few years ago it was documented that in psychology, the shift is really gone to more women in graduated schools for psychology, counseling, social work, then men. So that’s just a natural thing we would see in The Guild.
Dr. Damon: Well it probably sounds sexist just to say they’re better equipped for this, but I reckon by nature a woman is perhaps, has a unique talent- a naturally born talent. God said Whoa, you’re out there to nurture people and help people and that goes along with what we do.
Cal: Gorgeous. Hey let me question you something Doc. As we are becoming more and more accepted, the chiropractors they start off and over time they establish themselves as a profession and other professionals started referring them. Do you really believe that our profession can become as accepted as other health professions?
Dr. Damon: Yes I do. We have look back and say ‘Hey wait a minute, there wasn’t too many, many years ago that the dentist were cutting hair and pulling teeth in the same chair’. That’s why the barber poles are red and white – signifying the blood for pulling teeth. I don’t know if it was the grandfather or the fantastic-grandfather, probably the fantastic-grandfather in the present Mayo brothers, who was a doctor simply by the fact that he rode around curing people and taking care of people when they were sick, so he started to be called, “Doc Mayo”. If somebody else wanted to learn how to be a doctor in those days, he would ride around with the doc and so they learned how to deliver babies, how to set bones and so forth – and they became a doctor. Then, it was right into the mid 1900’s, early 1900’s; probably 1918 I reckon it was around that time, when you still could go to night school to be an MD. That wasn’t too long ago and all of them have had to grow as professionals. That’s the same thing we’re doing, were growing and so our educational requirements will grow along with us.
Cal: So what kind of strategies do we have to place in place? I know we have The Code of Ethics and Standard of…Take it from there…
Dr. Damon: Well we have The Code of Ethics and The Standards of Practice. We have our own professional language which is very necessary. For example, now chiropractors we at a certain period of time we weren’t diagnosing, and we didn’t use that term and what we gave it wasn’t a treatment – we were adjusting the patient. So we have our own language as consulting hypnotists that we want to use. This is manly to keep us out, of … getting into problems with health professional and using terms that could be construed as medical terms that are in the DSM and so we want to be careful not to be using, for psychological language, for example ‘phobias’. And, we have all of our new graduates receive this information and Scott Giles has worked very hard to present the different terms that could be used and we are nervous for people to do that. It means the same thing, if a patient comes in to us it’s really a client, and we don’t necessarily diagnose them, we help them to goal set their problems or their challenges.
We suggest ways to do that, we don’t treat them, we don’t prescribe solutions, we suggest ways for them, because you know we’re very fond of saying: Well all hypnosis is self hypnosis. Well if that’s the case we’re acting as guides to help that person, to help achieve the self hypnotic state to change whatever they want to change. This is what we have to be careful of, staying within the line, coloring within the lines. And they say why should so be worried of the other? I know there are some people out there say ‘Oh yeah I should be able to do what I want, we’re constricting ourselves by not doing what we want’. Well I don’t agree with that…
Cal: You know…
Dr. Damon: That’s my opinion…
Cal: Since we’re not diagnosing, we’re not saying, see a diagnose has only one purpose and that is to determine treatment and in order to do that, they have to say ‘Hey here’s something that incorrect with you medically’ and since we’re not saying there’s something incorrect with you medically then, I’ve been persuaded over the years to go away from the term therapists. Because this term therapists means there’s something incorrect with you and you need therapy. Really we’re more of an Educator or a Consultant is that right?
Dr. Damon: That’s really why I like the term Consulting Hypnotists and I know at first, it’s very hard for people to accept this line when I introduced it to the convention a couple of years ago. But Consulting Hypnotists, it’s not infringing on anyone, there’s nobody out there that can say ‘Oh you shouldn’t be using that’ and just last year up in Ontario, Canada the psychotherapist to pass legislation from people from being hypnotherapists. And the hypnotherapists didn’t want to give up the right to be a hypnotherapists but, it looked like there were going to be laws passed, so we had to question the union and Scot Giles jumped on his white horse to go to battle again and we had a lot of help from the OPEIU, which is the mother union we belong to and The Nation Federation of Hypnotists, which is our union, and the only union is chartered to cover the entire country and Canada. They were able to place a damper on all of this by getting lobbyist to work on it for us.
Cal: Just for a second, how can hypnotist learn more, I’m a member of the union, how can hypnotists learn more about the union? Is there a website? Is there a link on The Guild’s website?
Dr. Damon: Yes, well the best way is, you see now you’re getting into the internet stuff and you know me. I told you I was a radio operator and you said I was a radio operator, well that was back in the days of Marconi, we didn’t have all the Internet and so forth. We were just learning how to send messages by wireless, but we do have, and while we’re talking I’m just going to look for union address. They can contact the union and the union secretary will be glad to do it.
Cal:
Yes, yes.
Dr. Damon: I have it right here now. Her email address – and this is Sharon Morris, who is our secretary treasurer, is hypnounionsec@aol.com and she is secretary treasurer for National Federation of Hypnotists, Local 104 OPEIU AFL CIL CLC –how’s that for a mouthful?
Cal: That’s like alphabet soup there!
Dr. Damon: But hypnounionsec@aol.com or they can call her on 603-424-2136 and Sharon will be glad to send information out about the union. The more people we can get in the union the better, because the union and believe me I have to give credit where credit is due, and they have come through. I reckon up in Canada probably $15,000 dollars or more, we had to spend for a lobbyist up there, a professional lobbyist up there and they had come through for us and backing us up financially and so they do stick with us. And being a union member is really excellent, because you can use the union the union bug or small logo they have you’re a union member and union people like to trade with the union members, and we have some of our consulting hypnotists who have set up workshops, group seminars, for stress/smoking/weight through union health plans. Union health plans pay for it. So you can get your money back easily by just using a small imagination.
Cal: Gorgeous and by the way, I’m working with Scot Giles to do a talk just like this on Meet the Pros. He’s going to be talking about Christianity and Hypnosis, and he’s a Reverend and real Reverend.
Dr. Damon: A real one?
Cal: A real one. Not of them Postcard, Mail Order Reverends’.
Dr. Damon: he doesn’t have to do all of this because he is a licensed counselor as well as a Real Minister. He doesn’t have to do all the things he does for our profession, he can practice anyway, he’s licensed and Lord doesn’t pertain to him as he pertains to other hypnotists. So the thing is that he does this, he doesn’t get paid for doing it.
He does it because he believes in what we’re doing and he certainly deserves a lot of credit and when I call him the Killer or the Avenging Angel, is only because he just gets up and really gets his hackles up when somebody tries to do us harm. That’s the kind of people you need. We are very fortunate that I have people such as yourself, Cal. I mean I can go through a list and all they have to do is go through our advisory board list and they can see people who are there to work without compensation. I mean they’re all volunteers; and the President’s Cabinet, I have people I can count on to give me excellent backup and excellent information and excellent feedback –that’s very vital.
Cal: You know that’s something I reckon is so powerful in what you’ve done in putting together. The National Guild of Hypnotists is putting a team of leaders together and I’m honored to serve on the Advisory Board and also the Ethics Committee and just to be a part of this huge dream that is un-folding before us.
Dr. Damon: Well and that’s it, we have people on the industry, people on The Board Certification Committee, we’re doing that because we believe in what we’re doing. At the same time I know there is sometimes the feeling of the Excellent Ole Boys running everything. If it weren’t the Excellent Ole Boys, as they refer to us, maybe not you Cal, but to me. If it wasn’t for the Excellent Ole Boys, we wouldn’t be where we are today because we didn’t give up, we kept going and we believe that.
At the same time we have a lot of people coming up in the field, we have a younger generation, and I don’t want to mention names, because I might miss people, but I will give you one example. John Weiry down in Pittsburg, he has a excellent friend down there, I can’t remember his name, so I shouldn’t have mentioned John. But anyway these young fellows and they’re young by comparison, are keen and they’re out working for the profession and these are people that we need, that we need, especially the younger ones coming in, because we’re not all going to be here forever. And we want to see the drive that we’ve established continue and I’m looking on my staff here and The Guild to have younger generations coming up. For example: my executive director and people say: well you believe in nepotism, yes I do. My daughter is executive director of The Guild, Melody and she grew up in the field of Hypnotism. She grew up knowing what we could do with it, how it could be used as a powerful tool for your family and as well as helping other people – So somebody who has that much knowledge and experience, why not?
So I’m very, very fortunate that I have staff that’s young and interested in the internet and they can come and fix my computer when it doesn’t work right and tell me what I’m doing incorrect; to get on the internet to see Cal Banyan’s websites and so forth and that’s what we need and on the other hand we do need the people that had the years of experience because they are the ones that are still steering us in the right direction.
Cal: I’ve always been pleased to working with the office there at The Guild. Melody’s always been really, really helpful for us and just really part of the team. Let me question something, how about as we reach out to all hypnotists everywhere, how can all hypnotists help to build this profession?
Dr. Damon: By being professional…
Cal: There you go…
Dr. Damon: I mean it’s very, very simple. Get away from the things that are going to, I mean, you’re talking to a fellow who was a show man all his life and so when I say, get away from the showmanship it’s kind of hard for me to say that. But if we’re going to be professional and recognize that then we’ve got to get away from the image we have, I reckon we mentioned that on my next editorial on The Journal of Hypnotism, and we got to get away from that brand, of the pendulum of the –I always get this incorrect and don’t mean to when I say the barking dog and sometimes I say clicking chicken but it’s supposed to be clacking duck syndrome. You know that image, I never can remove. I tell you the truth, I don’t know if it’s a duck or a chicken because I have never in all my years experience, ever seen anyone do this on stage or show or anything.
Cal: Now are saying we should place an end to stage hypnotism here or what?
Dr. Damon: That we should what?
Cal: That we should place an end to all stage hypnotism or what?
Dr. Damon: No we can’t do that. I mean let’s face it, The Guild was formed by stage hypnotists and it would never happen anyway, you won’t get rid of it. It’s fun for people and if it’s done right. There are people doing X-rated and R-rated shows, we should get rid of them because those shows are an embarrassment. But on the other hand, I recall a client coming in to me one time, when I was still seeing clients and he was a young man, college age and one of my standards questions that I dread most on the intake: ‘Have you ever been hypnotized before?’ No, ‘have you ever seen anyone hypnotized before?’ ‘Oh yea, I’ve seen so and so at the nightclub last week’ and he says that’s what made me reckon about coming to you because he was going to take the Bar Exam and he wife has taken it and passed and he had failed and he was going to take it again and so he was a small worried about it, he needed some help. He thought well hypnotism could help. And I said well, I knew the hypnotist he had seen, I said ‘What did you reckon of the show?’ He said ‘Well it was disgusting, yeah it was amusing, but he did he have to be that disgusting…
Cal: Right…
Dr. Damon: That particular hypnotist, I have to admit he gets the laughs, he gets the jobs, but it’s really degrading to the people who participate in the show.
Cal: You can be a performer and still be very professional and represent the field well, isn’t that right?
Dr. Damon: Oh absolutely, We have a lot of hypnotists, like Jerry Valley he does a very excellent show, Tommy Vee, Ormond McGill did a very excellent professional show. We have so many of them and that’s the type we still honor the stage hypnotists in our convention. We have three performances on Friday night and it’s a chance for people to have some fun and some laughs and we look for the one, and we would never has someone who would embarrass the profession and we just had people we know or top professionals.
Cal: You know what; this is a excellent time to kind of segue into what is next. You know I have been a member of The NGH since 1996 and I have never ever missed a convention. When I was new, I was going just to gobble up the information I can and now I’m privileged to teach there and give workshops and why don’t you tell everyone about the convention and why this year it’s so special? Its 21! It’s grown up, right? Every year is special right?
Dr. Damon: Yes. Its 21 years and the convention is the world’s largest and friendliest and there’s no getting around it, somebody who had not been to our convention – it is really the world largest. We have anywhere between 1500 – 1700 people attending and it is the friendliest. Everybody is friendly. You can go and approach anyone and even the huge names like Cal Banyan…
Cal: Oh…
Dr. Damon: And he’ll stop and talk with you. I like to talk to people and lately I have found people don’t come up to talk to me as much, I don’t know, maybe I don’t look that friendly or something. This year at the convention I’m going to see how many people I shake hands with and get to know. When we had fewer than a thousand members and just myself here in the office and Melody working in my chiropractic office also, and so I answered the phone not only for my chiropractic patients, but also member of The Guild and we had a few hundred numbers, so I get to know everybody. This year we are going to honor any of our members who have been members for 20 years or more. It’s close to a hundred members…
Cal:
Wow…
Dr. Damon: So that’s a long time to be a member of The Guild. We have something like 200 workshops and seminars and we have a wonderful member faculty, maybe its 200 member faculty, I don’t know. All of our convention work is done out of fine Florida office, Elsen Eldridge and Jean are down there, do all of the work. They know all of the figures, so I just sit here, and keep them going. With 200 seminars and 170 different speakers, that’s the thing. I will get the numbers right after a while. Now you see why I wasn’t a CCA.
Cal: I was just reading the other day and there is 181 workshops included in the price of a convention and you guys have just released a downloadable version of the convention catalogue and I’ve got it on www.calbanyan.com if anyone wants to download and look at all that’s going on…
Dr. Damon: Well that’s fantastic and if they’re not a member of The Guild, and they don’t go o the internet to www.calbanyan.com and they want a hard copy of this gorgeous catalogue, they can contact us and we’ll send them one. They’ve just come off the press and they’ll be in the mail either today or Monday…
Cal: Hard copy? That’s so last century…
Dr. Damon: Oh no, no, no. Now you sound like some of my staff. They say why don’t you just place it on the internet. Cal, I do not like to read a book on my computer; I do not like to print out a lot of loose sheets to print out a catalogue; I like to hold it in my hand to take it with me, if I go down to the coffee shop I want to take it with me; If I’m on a plane, I want it with me and we had this discussion today, about how much money it costs to place on The Journal and The Hypno-Gram and our video, DVD library catalogue and our resource guide. We have this all on the internet too, but it is nice to have it with you and so you know you’re of the generation, we just look at it on the computer…
Cal: You know what; I want to have it both ways. I want to have it on the computer and I want to have it because I still have every Journal I’ve ever received in the mail and every Hypno-Gram and I collect them and they become resource I can grab and take with me. I’m not one way or the other I reckon that’s it’s fantastic that you involved in this century and providing the internet and still giving out hard copies.
Dr. Damon: We trying to do both. We’re trying to keep up with technology at the same time we’re trying to keep up with the segment of the population and want to have the hard copy as well. The Guild has accomplished a lot of firsts; I mean there’s no getting around it. I mean we established the profession. We are the first ones that really had size of require continuing education because we figure eventually when we’re recognized as a profession and licensed they’re going to say: oh you got to have continuing education, every profession has to. We are the first to really establishing a quo curriculum certified instructors, we’re the first to have a video rent library, I don’t reckon anyone else has that; I reckon somebody else has it by now.
We print two magazines, we have the consumer magazine, I reckon we were the first to get profession liability insurance – maybe not but I know it took me 3 or 4 years to find a company who would insure everybody. We are the only union, the hypnotist union that is chartered for all states. We have just done some many things that we just been so fortunate. We have people work and do all this and believe in the fact we can really be a recognized profession and I hope this is going to happen, well I know it will happen, in my lifetime. I want to see it happen, where we’re really when accepted and all these things people say ‘we need more education, we need college education’ those things will come along later. Right now we have what we have and we can build on what we have and some day they’ll say ‘I want to be a consulting hypnotist – well I reckon I’m going to go to Perdu and get my degree there. So people don’t need to go out and buy a college degree so they have a title and I don’t reckon that’s necessary, what you need to do be excellent what you do and people aren’t that much impressed a doctor a professor or whatever you do or all the initials behind your name. That doesn’t matter, the results are what matter.
Cal: The best credential you can have, is having helped the mother, father, sister, brother, cousin or friend.
Dr. Damon:
That’s right…
Cal: That’s right…
Dr. Damon. Helping ordinary everyday people with ordinary everyday problems, is what I like to say.
Cal: That’s right. That’s right.
Dr. Damon: I mean we don’t have to have miracles. That’s miracle enough. When you go to hospital, and I’ve had this before, and you have someone who is dying of cancer and they have them on the direct drip -I.V, just to sedate them and try to keep them comfortable and you have them conditioned so you can use hypnosis with them and get them out of the pain for a while and the morphine is touching it, I mean that is an accomplishment and I know that this can be done. Because I’ve been there and done it and I’ve done it with like ones…
Cal: And it really adds to quality of life in those last months or weeks, because you can really reduce the amount of medication necessary to control the pain. Is that right?
Dr. Damon: Yes that’s right and it doesn’t have to be, it’s not going to cure the cancer, but if you can help alleviate the side effects of chemo and radiation therapy, what a wonderful thing you can do. That’s why we had some many nurses getting into the field. We have an dreadful lot of nurses…
Cal: In the field of Psychology, which is my background, there is a thing called Diathesis Stress Hypothesis and that says stress of different forms can contribute to many illnesses, so it’s not out of the question at all that doing hypnosis work to remove stress, can help the other things the doctor is doing and help the body heal itself. Is that right?
Dr. Damon: Absolutely. I recall going into the hospital, my first wife was dying of cancer and I was there. I used to come home for maybe four hours of sleep after midnight and I remember going back in, one morning and the Chargers, came and said, I’m so glad you’re back Doctor. I don’t know what it is you do, because we need to do whatever the thing you do, because the morphine isn’t doing Lois any excellent and she said We’re so glad you’re back. I’m sure they know eventually, what we are doing and this is it. They say wow this is excellent.
We had Maggie, we had a sign in her room, Everyday and in every way, and I’m getting better and better Hurray! And I got a kick out of it because she had a small Dominican and she had relax and redactors come in and as sick as she was, she’d say as everyday and in every way, I’m getting better and better and they’d smile and one of the nurses on the oncology floor said ‘Can we use that?’ I said ‘Oh yeah, of course you can, I didn’t come up with this saying’. I said ‘Want me to run off some on the computer bring them to you? She said ‘I wish you would.’ So you know…
Cal: There’s a tale like that or more with every hypnotists that’s out there working and helping people. That’s really what it’s all about.
Dr. Damon: What a wonderful tool we have. Not just helping other people but our families. I’ve tried out personal experiences for Hypnosis Today, which is a excellent magazine. I hope you agree with me on that, I reckon It’s a excellent magazine for the general public because it covers, because it has a tale of a hospital in Florida; It has well-known child birth in Iran, all sorts of wonderful tales. Hypnosis in Iraq, Hypnosis in Botswana, you know any person can read this and say there’s something to this. Not just getting people and making them bark like dogs…
Cal: Yes it’s also a fantastic small door opener when you go see your doctor, leave it. Other professionals…
Dr. Damon: I’m sure you know who Johnny Appleseed’s is, he went around the country planting apple trees around the country, it started here in New England by the way. We do that constantly, if we’re going to hospital for anything, we go drop them off in every waiting room. The doctors’ offices, the dentist offices and libraries like to have a supply. I go to a drycleaner, who I gave one to each one of the girls working there and they said can you leave a few for other customers. I said absolutely.
When we went to do Solid Gold this year at the Tuscany in Las Vegas, to the clerk checking us in, and one of the other ones looked at us said ‘Can I have one too?’ Well after I get through all six people across the front of the counter all had them, I said don’t read them now – they’re all reading – I don’t want you all to get fired you know and they did they loved it. They questioned for more for so and so, they loved the tales and they delight in what we do.
Cal: How can people get a copy of it?
Dr. Damon: Contact The Guild, we happen to have a few thousand, no they can buy some, they are very reasonably priced and we’ve left a nice space on the outside back cover. Where you can take a video mark, that’s the size and print it up on your computer and you can get a free ad, so when you pass it out, the people inside who paid for their ad, get exposure from all over the world and you get exposure for purchasing them in bulk and its $4.95 a magazine and you can buy a quality for a dollar a piece. That’s pretty cheap advertising really.
Cal: Hey, if I could just change the topic a small bit if I can because I’d like to offer the chance for some questions and answers would that be ok for you?
Dr. Damon: Well yeah, you’ve already gone over your 45minutes, is that ok with you?
Cal: You know what? I tend to go over an hour anyway.
Dr. Damon: Excellent I’m having fun.
Cal: Let’s see I have an email sent in, from Linda and she’s from one of our Yahoo! Groups and she says: Thank you Cal, for offering to do this, I’m not available for the call. My question for Dr. Damon is, all of us really she says, is about the impact the ailing economy may have on our profession, perhaps the larger more economically sound areas won’t feel it but I have to believe that the more rural areas will feel it. I live in Maine, which is really ailing. Not only do I live in Maine I live in a really rural area. What are your feelings around how to deal with doctor?
Dr. Damon: Well I live in New Hampshire and we are neighbors with Maine. See I believe the media are driving this thing, I believe they are giving negative suggestions to the public; they are making this economic problem. They would lay off if they started giving positive suggestions, I reckon we could turn it around. The government would say: Hey things are getting better, so then they would help out but I mentioned in one of my columns, it may be one upcoming or one already ran, in the Hypno-Gram about different people I’ve spoken to that said they noticed that things, for example like Jacobs ______ , specialized in smoking sensation, I reckon it was in the last Hypno-Gram. He told me he was down in Brooklyn, New York. He does his own advertising, and he works right out of his apartment and he has a fantastic clientele because he’s built a wonderful reputation not because he just for smoking, but for everything, but he’s best known for smoking. He says a lot of times now he getting people coming in, they says You know well I like to smoke and I don’t want to give it up, but I can’t afford it anymore , so they’d rather pay this onetime fee to stop smoking and save the money of buying a packet a day. I don’t know how much cigarettes cost but, I imagine it’s plenty by now. You know I found John Dubesky down in Florida and again he’s been seeing people who want to get a better positive attitude; you know he’s down there with a lot of retirees. And he’s says they are getting worried and have started coming to him – a lot of people. Mc Issics said people you know are concerned and getting mental stress about their bills and mortgages and so forth and they just want some stress reduction, so you know, there is some work there. Being in the wilds of Maine, you might have to adjust your prices a small bit, but why not, and don’t forget – Maine you can always barter. That’s the way to keep things going. And get the family haircuts done because the barber wants to stop smoking and he’ll tell other people ‘Yes I went to Linda’, was it Linda…
Cal: Yes that’ll be Linda…
Dr. Damon: …’and she went to Linda and she stopped me from smoking. Wow, she could help you George’ and bartering is a excellent system and when times are tough, when people reckon times are tough then they really are…
Cal: That’s right. What we remember is people buy solutions, and listen to what the people are complaining about and then hypnosis could be a viable alternative. For example, I was in an establishment the other day, and they said so Cal what do you do? I’m a hypnotist and that’s all you got to do and they’ll start asking you can you help me with this? Can you help me with that? and this fellow happens to be a sale manager for a car dealership, and he questions can you help my people sell more, Sure that’s simple it happens all the time and I gave him some tales about what I’d done with clients and he’s excited…
Dr. Damon: That’s excellent. I did the same thing I went out and bought a new car….
Cal: Excellent for you…
Dr. Damon: I went out and made one salesman very pleased…
Cal: Excellent. What I’d like to do now is open the line up and see if anyone else has a question. In order to do you just have to hit *6, you can un-mute yourself and you can question a question to Dr. Damon.
Maybe everyone left, because we talked too long…
Dr. Damon: They all went home, that’s it. That’s alright, we had a excellent time. They can tune in later. Well do you have any other questions?
Cal: Well yes I just have one that came in on a SMS type thing here and they want to know…
Dr. Damon: A SMS type…
Cal: One of these things, like a small message come up on my computer and stuff, and the listener wants to know: where is the convention at?
Dr. Damon: I’m glad that person questioned because it’s no secret at all, its Marlborough, Massachusetts. It’s The Royal Plaza Hotel and Conference Center, and right now we have sold out all the rooms, but, just at the end of the driveway, probably just a small walk down at the trade building, its just a small further, there is a hotel, we have shuttle service to 4 or 5 other hotels right nearby. When I mean shuttle service, this is a professional shuttle service that runs regularly all day and right up to the last things that are going up on to the evening, so people are at other motels nearby, who are by the way, giving the same rate for hotel rooms, that we have for hotel rooms, I’m not going to quote a price because I’m unsure on those things, they let me know but I forget. I reckon it’s under $100, maybe $90-something, maybe its $103, buy anyways they are very reasonable, the hotels are respecting that same rate, because we have a large crowd coming from Marlborough, Massachusetts. If they are coming from any distance, they can glide in through Boston and take a shuttle from Boston and glide into Providence, rent a car, take a shuttle; they can come into Hartford and rent a car or take a shuttle. So it’s simple to get to and there are plenty of motels and plenty of places to eat. Just off ground, sometimes people want to get away from the hotel for a small while, you don’t need a car because there an adjacent shopping centre with 3-4 restaurants, I reckon you’ve been over there for meetings or stuff…
Cal: Yes…
Dr. Damon: A Steakhouse or whatever it is and so it’s just a wonderful facility.
Cal: It’s worked out really excellent for us and I want to remind the 5-PATHers out there and all the Banyan Grads, that on Thursday night before the convention we have annual reunion and awards ceremony that we recognize 5-PATHers that are contributing to the profession and to the growth of 5-PATH® and 7-Path™. So make sure you get in there a day early.
To everybody else listening I want to tell them about the workshops I will be doing. There’s going to be an advanced hypnosis for weight loss workshop, go beyond the script for maximum results and also I’m doing insider secrets to a thriving practice where I talk about the star model and getting multiple streams of income so that if you’re not making as much money as you want, you can make more money and if you want to go from part time to full time – I’m going to show you how to do that. Dr. Damon, why don’t you wrap it up?
Dr. Damon: Ok well I will and by the way thank you for your contribution to our student kits, of your information about the star method and it’s a valuable addition to our training materials. I just want to tell people, I hope they will, what they should do is use their ESP incentive plot, you see the government is giving them and use that and split with your husband or your wife and use your half to come to the convention…
Cal: Fantastic thought…
Dr. Damon: You’d be real glad that you did and I want to have as many people as possible come to the convention. Come over and introduce themselves – I’d like to meet people, I like to know who they are and where they’re from and you know we can just say hello, if they have questions they can question me, I’m there and I’m available. I want to thank you Cal, for having me on your show on your program and it’s been really fun and I hope we’ve given a lot of information to folks out there.
Cal: I reckon we really did. Thank you Dr. Damon. Thank you for your leadership in the profession. Thank you for being on the show, thanks everybody for coming in who’s listening live right now and also to everyone who’s downloading this on www.hypnosis.org or www.calbanyan.com. I’d like to invite all our listeners to visit all of my main websites: www.hypnosis.org ; www.calbanyan.com and www.hypnosiscenter.com.
That’s it this is Cal Banyan, signing off!
Rape Laws in India
THE RAPE LAWS IN INDIA, revisiting the concepts .
Is ‘Rape’ merely a word described in section 375 of the Indian Penal Code, 1860, to be interpreted stricto senso? Or is it a psychological phenomenon to be understood and dealt with, with more empathy and less legality? What is the scope of this word and its narrow definition according to law and what is the impact of this definition on the judgments meted out to the hapless victims of this excruciating mental agony? This project aims to study the lacunas in the present definition and scope of the phenomenon called Rape.
The word ‘Rape’ is derived from the Latin term ‘Rapio’, which means ‘to seize’. Thus, rape literally means a forcible seizure and that is the essential characteristic feature of the offence. In common parlance, it means intercourse without her consent by force, dread or fraud. In other words, rape is violation with violence of the private person of a woman.
Though the law is said to grant justice to the innocent, the same is sadly not right in case of rape victims. Justice prides herself on being blind to everything but the truth – yet as far as rape is concerned, the facts paint a different picture. Rape laws in India are extremely antiquated. Although the laws outline the crime in clear terms, the courts are filled with people who favor the accused and challenge the veracity of the victim’s allegation.
The Supreme Court has opined in Maharashtra v Madhukar Narayan Mardikar , that
“..even a woman with simple virtue is entitled to privacy and no one can invade her privacy as and when he likes. So also, it is not open to any and every person to violate her person as and when he wishes. Therefore, merely because she is a woman of simple virtue, her evidence cannot be thrown overboard.”
Rape laws in India are antiquated; Instances where justice has failed the victim because of interpretation of law, assessment of evidence, long delays at the trial and harsh and humiliating cross-examination of the victim are reported with alarming frequency. This report deal with the incumbencies in the existing laws relating to rape in India and certain recent developments in this field.
Rape is a weapon that distorts a woman’s sexuality, restricts her freedom of movement and violates her human rights. It leaves a woman feeling exposed, humiliated and traumatised. A rapist not only violates the victim’s privacy and personal integrity, but also causes serious physical and psychological hurt. The law must take a fresh look at itself and take positive steps to make it more hard for an accused to get judicial reprieve. . What is sad about rape in India is the lack of seriousness with which the crime is often treated.Statistics from 2000 showed that on average a woman is raped every hour in India
As observed by Justice Arjit Pasayat:
“While a murderer destroys the physical frame of the victim, a rapist degrades and defiles the soul of a helpless female.”
Sexual harassment is nothing less than the showcasing of male dominance. Given an opportunity, such men (those committing sexual harassement) would try fulfilling their desire.
Rape
Rape means an unlawful intercourse done by a man with a woman without her valid consent. (Section 375 of the Indian Penal Code)
A man is said to commit “rape” if he has sexual intercourse with a woman under circumstances falling under any of the six following descriptions :-
Against her will.
Without her consent.
With her consent, when her consent has been obtained by putting her or any person in whom she is interested in dread of death or of hurt.
With her consent, when the man knows that he is not her husband, and that her consent is given because she believes that he is another man to whom she is or believes herself to be lawfully married.
With her consent, when, at the time of giving such consent, by reason of unsoundness of mind or intoxication or the administration by him personally or through another of any stupefying or unwholesome substance, she is unable to know the nature and consequences of that to which she gives consent.
With or without her consent, when she is under sixteen years of age.
Explanation : Penetration is sufficient to constitute the sexual intercourse necessary to the offence of rape.
Exception : Sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife, the wife not being under fifteen years of age, is not rape.
Impediments to Justice:
Rape is defined in India as intentional, unlawful sexual intercourse with a woman without her consent. The essential elements of this definition under Section 375 of the Indian Penal Code are ’sexual intercourse with a woman’ and the absence of consent. This definition therefore does not include acts of forced oral sex, or sodomy, or penetration by foreign objects; instead those actions are criminalized under Section 354 of the IPC, which deals with ‘criminal assault on a woman with intent to outrage her modesty’ and Section 377 IPC, covering ‘carnal intercourse against the order of nature’.
The definition leaves a few questions unanswered. For instance, what about sexual intercourse by a man with his wife, and without her consent, where the wife is over 16 years of age? Judicial interpretation has also meant that sexual intercourse in a custodial situation (police station, public hospital, remand homes, and jails) is deemed an offence, without going into the question of consent. Also, anal or oral penetration and penetration with objects do not fall within the ambit of section 375.
It also does not recognize other forms of sexual assaults, like protracted sexual assault by relatives, marital rape etc. as aggravated forms of rape. This causes grave injustice to many victims. In many cases of child rape, the child has been penetrated through fingers or by objects or been force to perform oral or anal sex; yet this is not considered rape by the Courts.
Also, if the victim is a minor, the onus is on the accused to prove his innocence. But if the victim is a major, it is up to her to prove her charge. Therefore, the defence finds it worthwhile to prove that the victim is a major. Another problem is that unless the woman is examined medically within 24 hours, it becomes hard forensically to prove that rape has occurred. Very often, unable to prove penetration, judges find themselves trying “rape” cases under more watered down sections: ‘outraging the modesty of a woman’, for instance, carrying much lighter punishment.
Adding to this is Section. 155(4) of the Evidence Act (Repealed), which allows the victim to be questioned of her past sexual history which the defense uses to humiliate the victim in the Courtroom. At the same time, section 54 stated: “In criminal proceedings (including rape) the fact that the accused person has a terrible character is irrelevant, unless evidence has been given (by him) that he has a excellent character, in which case it becomes relevant.”
Section 375 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC) only considers forced peno-vaginal penetration to be rape. Penetration with any other object, be it life-threatening (a knife, an iron rod, etc), though more physically harmful is not rape. The penis is accorded a privileged position in comparison with other objects that can be inserted, because of the primacy place on the virginity of women. The rupture of a woman’s hymen — the ultimate symbol of her sexual purity — must be avoided at all costs. “Sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife, the wife not being under 15 years of age, is not rape,” according to this section. In other words, forced sex within marriage is outside the scope of the offence of rape.
The manner in which some courts have interpreted the law or assessed the evidence has often proved to be an obstacle also. In spite of Supreme Court judgments to the contrary, lower court judges often insist on evidence of physical resistance or marks of injuries to hold that a woman has not consented. A woman’s evidence without corroboration is not considered sufficient.
Therefore rape laws in order to be of fantastic deterrence, must have a cooperative victim, professional investigation, diligent prosecution; and an expeditious trial. For otherwise it shall not be the law, that fails, but the applicants, the process and application
Earlier Developments
Several difficulties with the rape law were highlighted through some insensitive treatment by the judiciary
· The Mathura rape case is illustrative.( TukaRam v. State of Maharashtra, AIR 1979 SC 185In March 1972, a 16-year-ancient tribal girl was raped by two policemen in the compound of Desai Ganj police chowky in Chandrapur district of Maharashtra. Her relatives, who had come to register a complaint, were patiently waiting outside even as this heinous act was being perpetrated in the police station. When her relatives and the crowd threatened to burn the police chowky down, the two guilty policemen, Ganpat and Tukaram, reluctantly agreed to file a panchnama. At the Sessions Court, Mathura was accused of being a “liar” and that since she was “habituated to sexual intercourse”, her consent was given. The Nagpur bench of the Bombay High Court set aside the judgment holding that that passive submission due to dread induced by serious threats could not be construed as willing sexual intercourse. But, the choice of the Supreme Court remains a blot on its record to this day. The rationale for acquittal was that Mathura had not raised an alarm and there were no visible marks of injury on her body. The judgment did not distinguish between consent and forcible submission
The Mathura rape case galvanised the women’s movement into asking for reforms of the criminal law that dealt with rape. In 1983, the government passed the Criminal Law Amendment Act. It amended Section 376 IPC and enhances the punishment of rape it also provides enhanced punishment of minimum of 10 years of imprisonment for police officers or staff of jail, the remand homes or other places of custody established by law. The Act further inserts a new Section 114-A IEA, by raising a presumption as to absence of consent in cases of custodial rape, rape on pregnant women and gang rape at least partially, removed the infirmity from the evidence of a victim of rape that was hitherto unjustly attached to her testimony without taking note of the fact that in India, unlike the occident a disclosure of the girls identity, rehabilitation in society for all times to come and unless her tale was painfully right she would not have taken such a grave risk merely to malign the accused.The Act also provides for trial in camera. It also inserts a new section in the IPC Sec 228(A), which makes disclosure of the identity of the victims in These amendments were not enough to stem the rise in the number of cases of sexual violence against women. One crucial defect in the law was the definition of rape under Section 375 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC), which took into account only penile-vaginal penetration. Other physical and mental injuries were left to be dealt with under Sections 354 and 509 of the IPC as `outraging the modesty of a woman’.
Although the amendment had only partly accepted the demands of the campaign, the enactment was an indication of some measure of success. But, the inadequacy of these measures became clear in the Suman Rani case.[In spite of the rigorous punishment brought in through the amendment in cases of custodial rape, the Supreme Court reduced the sentence to five years on grounds that the woman was of ‘questionable character’ and ‘simple virtue’ with ‘lewd’ and ‘lascivious behaviour’. The court also dismissed a review petition filed by women’s groups. The Suman Rani case was no exception; the judiciary was routinely awarding less than the minimum sentence in rape trials despite the statutory mandate laid down by the amendment. In Mohd.Habib v. State, the Delhi High Court allowed a rapist to go scot-free merely because there were no marks of injury on his penis, which the High Court presumed was indicative of consent.
· In Mohd.Habib Vs State, the Delhi High Court allowed a rapist to go scot-free merely because there were no marks of injury on his penis- which the High Court presumed was a indication of no resistance. The most vital facts such as the age of the victim (being seven years) and that she had suffered a ruptured hymen and the bite marks on her body were not considered by the High Court. Even the eye- witnesses who witnessed this ghastly act, could not sway the High Court’s judgment.
· In another instance of conscience stirring cases, Sakina- a poor sixteen year ancient girl from Kerala, who was lured to Ernakulam with the promise of finding her a excellent job, where she was sold and forced into prostitution. There for eighteen long months she was held captive and raped by clients. Finally she was rescued by the police- acting on a complaint filed by her neighbour.With the help of her parents and an Advocate, Sakina filed a suit in the High Court- giving the names of the upper echelons of the bureaucracy and society of Kerala.The suit was squashed by the High Court, while observing that ‘ it is improbable to believe that a man who desired sex on payment would go to a reluctant woman; and that the version of the victim was not so sacrosanct as to be taken for granted.’
· Whereas, in State of Punjab Vs. Gurmit Singh, the Supreme Court has advised the lower judiciary, that even if the victim girl is shown to be habituated to sex, the Court should not describe her to be of loose character.
· The Supreme Court has in the case of State of Maharashtra Vs. Madhukar N. Mardikar, held that "the unchastity of a woman does not make her open to any and every person to violate her person as and when he wishes. She is entitled to protect her person if there is an attempt to violate her person against her wish. She is equally entitled to the protection of law. Therefore merely because she is of simple virtue, her evidence cannot be thrown overboard."
In Chairman, Railway Board Vs. Chandrima Das, a practicing Advocate of the Calcutta High Court filed a petition under Article.226 of the Constitution of India against the various railway authorities of the eastern railway claiming compensation for the victim (Smt. Hanufa Khatoon)- a Bangladesh national- who was raped at the Howrah Station, by the railway security men. The High Court awarded Rs.10 lacs as compensation.
The Supreme Court also held that the relief can be granted to the victim for two reasons- firstly, on the ground of domestic jurisprudence based on the Constitutional provisions; and secondly, on the ground of Human Rights Jurisprudence based on the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, 1948 which has international recognition as the ‘Moral Code of Conduct’- adopted by the General Assembly of the United Nation.
In view of the above, the Supreme Court has laid down the following guidelines for the trial of rape cases:
1.The complaints of sexual assault cases should be provided with legal representation. Such a person should be well acquainted.
2. Legal help should be provided at the police Station, since the victim may be in a distressed state.
3. The police should be under a duty to inform the victim of her right to a counsel before being interrogated.
4. A list of lawyers willing to act in these cases should be kept at the police station.
5. Advocates shall be appointed by the Court on an application by the police at the earliest, but in order that the victim is not questioned without one, the Advocate shall be authorized to act at the police Station before leave of the Court is sought or obtained.
6. In all rape trials, anonymity of the victim must be maintained
7. It is necessary to setup Criminal Injuries Compensation Board with regard to the Directive Principles contained under Article. 38(1) of the Constitution of India. As some victims also incur Substantial losses.
8. Compensation for the victims shall be awarded by the Court on the conviction of the offender and by the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board- whether or not a conviction has taken place. The Board will take into account pain, suffering, shock as well as loss of earnings due to pregnancy and child birth if this accrued as a result of rape.
Recent Developments
In 1997, Sakshi, an organisation involved in issues on women and children, approached the Supreme Court through a writ petition asking for directions concerning the definition of rape in the IPC. Although the Supreme Court did not interpret the provisions of Section 375 IPC to include all forms of penetration such as penile/vaginal penetration, penile/oral penetration, penile/anal penetration, finger/vagina penetration, finger/anal penetration, and object/vaginal penetration within its ambit. Instead, the judges sought refuge behind the strict interpretation of penal statutes and the doctrine of state decisis - a view that any alteration [in this case, of the definition of rape] would result in chaos and confusion, it directed the Law Commission of India to respond to the issues raised in the petition. The Law Commission, under the chairmanship of Justice P. Jeevan Reddy, responded by saying that the 156th Law Commission Report had dealt with these issues. The Supreme Court, but, agreed with Sakshi that the 156th Report did not deal with the precise issues raised in the writ petition. In August 1999, it directed the Law Commission to look into these issues afresh. (Sakshi v. Union of India)
After detailed consultations with the organisations, the Law Commission released its 172nd Report on the Review of Rape Laws, in 2000. The Law Commission recommended changing the focus from rape to `sexual assault’, the definition of which goes beyond penile penetration to include penetration by any part of the body and objects, taking into account cunnilingus and fellatio.
The report recommended the deletion of Section 155(4) of the Indian Evidence Act, which would prevent a victim of rape from being cross-examined about her `general immoral character’ and sexual history. It suggested graded sentences, with higher punishment for rape committed by the relatives and persons in `trust or authority’, public servants, and superintendents, management and staff of hospitals. It introduced a new Section 376(E), which would include sexual harassment at the workplace.
The commission recommended shifting the burden of proof of consent to the accused. It suggested specific provisions that would deal with the medical examination of the victim as well as the accused by a registered medical practitioner. It said that girls who are victims of rape should be questioned only by a female police officer, in the absence of whom a qualified woman from a recognised social organisation should do the questioning. The commission suggested that the law relating to sexual assault be made gender neutral, that is, men and women can be charged with the rape of men, women and children. This meant that for the first time the sexual assault of minor boys was made prosecutable under the law. It questioned for Section 377 of the IPC to be dropped, thus decriminalising sodomy.
But, the recommendations did not take into account marital rape. It raised the age of consent of the wife from 15 to 16 years, after which the woman is not protected from rape by the husband. It also continues to provide a window for Judges to reduce the sentence in case of convictions below the minimum sentence specified, as suggested by the commission which states: “Any number of situations may arise, which the Commission cannot foresee th Based on the Law Commission’s recommendations, the government enacted an amendment in the winter session of Parliament in 2002, which deleted Section 155(4) and inserted a proviso to Section 146 of the Indian Evidence Act, which means that a victim of rape can no longer be questioned about her past sexual conduct and her `general immoral character’..
Criminal Law Amendment Bill of 2005
The Bill, drafted by Ms Kirti Singh advocate and legal convener of AIDWA, is based on 172nd report of the Law Commission to amend the laws relating to sexual assault in Section 375, 376, 354 and 509 IPC and the relevant sections of the Code of Criminal Procedure 1973 and the Indian Evidence Act 1872. The recommendations are based on the national consultation on the issue organized by the national commission for women
· The major changes sought to be brought about through this amendment are substitution of existing section 375 of the IPC with the following:
“375.Sexual Assault: Sexual assault means –
(a) The introduction (to any extent) by a man of his penis, into the vagina (which term shall include the labia majora), the anus or urethra or mouth of any woman or child–
(b) the introduction to any extent by a man of an object or a part of the body (other than the penis) into the vagina(which term shall include the labia majora) or anus or urethra of a woman
(c) the introduction to any extent by a person of an object or a part of the body (other than the penis) into the vagina(which term shall include the labia majora) or anus or urethra of a child.
(d) manipulating any part of the body of a child so as to cause penetration of the vagina (which term shall include labia majora) anus or the urethra of the offender by any part of the child’s body;”
Similarly, Amendment, 2005 brought forth many changes in rape laws, especially related to detailed procedure of examination of victim and accused both by inserting new sections: 164-A, 174 (1A), (b), and 53-A (a) CrPC, and made it clear that in addition to physical examination, it also shall include the examination of blood, blood stains, semen, swabs in case of sexual offences, sputum and sweat, hair samples and finger nail clippings by the use of modern and scientific techniques including DNA profiling and such other tests which the RMP thinks necessary in a particular case. Section 174 (1A), (b), CrPC inserted to make mandatory inquiry by the Judicial Magistrate in cases of custodial rape and murder cases.
Changes recommended in the Indian Evidence Act, 1872 are in S
Why worry about a woman psychologist resolve the long-term marriage, degree – a woman, marriage – sports and leisure industry
In a survey specifically for women, the findings show that “the most fascinating psychological problems” ranked first is “whether the long-term concerns of marriage.” According to psychology experts, in an intimate relationship, both sexes there is a huge psychological difference. More attention to women than men, “Marriage is a long time,” one of them. Why compared to men, women on the marriage of “how far will always” be so worried?
First, women’s concerns from the reality of marriage. According to the National Women’s Marriage Amendment in 2008 a large survey, estimates, China has extramarital sex 8.2% of the total population, or about 1 million people have extramarital sex, marriage, extramarital affairs have become a fatal reef. But, extramarital affairs provoked by the proportion of men is 3 times a woman. Therefore, more women than men are worried about the future of marriage symbol and logic.
Second, the evolutionary psychology that in many species, the female of the offspring of the investment is much higher than the male, we humans too. Reproductive investment in male offspring only a few minutes, while women need a pregnant woman to nurse her child, born in 2035 in the care of children. Who is the greater investment in the common cause, who is more loyal, which is why women are more inclined to question “how far is always” reasons. Similarly, in order to maximize the reproductive interests of men hope to get more opportunities to engage with the opposite sex; while women care for children and their own security, tend to a stable marriage as a guarantee, this is destined to women more concerned about the future of marriage.
Lastly, gender psychological research shows that men self-esteem comes from self-definition, with “instrumental psychological flair.” Therefore, heavier men and career success, work ability, job how much, pay much more, men with career achievements and his ability to build self-esteem, and marriage and family life is part of a man. Therefore, men rarely take the initiative to improve relations, or more easily than women to end a relationship. Self-esteem for women, the source of the relationship of like, with “emotional psychological characteristics.” So women are more valued intimacy, to like the link to prove his worth, marriage and family life often account for most. Therefore, the majority of the world’s books on gender relations is written by women, 80% of buyers are female.
The intimate emotional relationship is simple, like is hard, like easily, last somehow hard. As a marriage between the parties, to maintain a harmonious relationship, the joint efforts of both sides. Both husband and wife should know each other’s personality characteristics, emotional needs, family of origin culture, etc., to work together for emotional account deposits. Emotional account of bank accounts as right as the more input, can draw out the more.
Emotional intimacy in order to accounts of deposits, both sides need to learn some strategies to maintain relationships, actions and activities accordingly. Hsing men, women Yao Hong, a man to worship, a woman should be loved. To know the relationship between men and women to desire, initiative and commitment to be met. Women to know men’s emotional needs, giving appropriate recognition and support. Both husband and wife should be a friendly and pleasant co-operation, try to make contact between the two as to delight in; to encourage the other side of the mind, emotions, to discuss the quality of their relations, expectations; express their like and loyalty to each other, stressing commitment; spend time together with activities and so on. Away from the marriage of the reef in order to make a pleased long marriage.
Bringing up a Daughter! Islamic Perspective and Muslim Societies
Bringing up a Daughter!
Islamic Perspective and Muslim Societies
Azher Hameed Qamar (2010)
Published in; PSYKOLOGISK TIDSSKRIFT, 13 March, 2010
Psykologisk Institute, SVT-fakultetet, NTNU, Trondheim, Norway
Islam is known as an educational, social revolution in Arab that brought about lot of changes to eliminate all type of discrimination and to promote human rights on the basis of equality and equity. But, unfortunately, today there are certain traditional and cultural practices in different Muslim societies, which deprive women of certain rights that are granted by Islam. This discrimination starts even before the birth of a child (e.g abortion in case if the expected child is a girl) and continues throughout the child rearing and afterward. Education, inheritance, freedom of choice and opinion, standard of modesty and tolerance are so much gender based that even a mother desire to have male children for a respectable status in the family. This article will briefly look into some vital Islamic perspectives about bringing up a baby-girl into a woman, which are missing in many Muslim societies due to lack of knowledge or lack of sincere intention.
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A ‘Child’, who needs to be protected and nurtured by the elders of the society, is vulnerable because of being an simple victim of discrimination on cultural, social, and religious or gender based prejudices. Thus, child-rearing practices raise a baby girl into a woman that is desired by the family or the culture. Most of the gender-based issues are followed in the name of religion. And more than 80% of the world population is practicing some religion or faith. More than half of the world is following Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, Islam) and Islam is the second largest religion in the world.1
Gender-based discrimination in many Muslim countries is not Islamic, as it is referred, but it has its roots in cultural and family traditions, or even for certain reasons that include greed for property inheritance, and male-domination. Following are some of the perceptions that can be seen in practice today. 2
Discrimination on the basis of physical and mental strengths.
Discrimination on the basis of social and economical status.
A female child should be trained to serve the male members of the family because an ideal wife is the one, whose like is selfless like mother and whose service is dedicated like daughter (this concept goes for an ideal daughter and an ideal mother as well).
A female child should learn the submission of her own will. This is the role she has to play towards her parents when unmarried and to her husband when married.
The real home of a daughter is her husband’s home and she is supposed to leave her parents, brothers and sisters one day.
Before looking into the status of female child in Muslim families, first we have to see what Islam says about bringing up a daughter.
Islam, A Brief Introduction
Islam is based on revelations received by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in the 7th century, which were later recorded in the Qur’an, Islam’s sacred text. Quran is the main source of knowledge that is protected by God Almighty Himself.
“No falsehood could enter it (Quran), in the past or in the future; a revelation from a Most Wise, Praiseworthy.” (Al-Quran, 41:42)
And Sunnah is the second vital source of knowledge. Sunnah is described in Sahi-Ahadiths (Arabic for “narratives” or “reports”, a record of the words and deeds of the Prophet).
Being specific to the topic, the following concepts in Islam are vital to know.
Non-discrimination in Islam
Pre-Islamic discrimination in Arabia were not limited to Arab or Non-Arab, but also dominated in their whole social life. Sons were preferred on daughters. Burying infant daughters alive was not a crime, rather a traditional act. Birth of a daughter was taken as a curse. Women were deprived of all rights and were no more than slaves, an simple victim of exploitation (Shah, 2006). Islam brought a revolutionary change and abolished all types of discrimination. All men and women are offspring of Adam and Eve, and born with equal religious, social, political, moral rights to spend a free life. Superiority among them is only based on piety and excellent deeds.3
“O mankind, We have made you from male and female; and We have divided you into tribes and sub-tribes for greater facility of communication. Verily, the most honored among you in the sight of Allah is he who is the most righteous among you. Surely, Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware.” (Al-Quran, 49:14)
Men and women share the same spiritual nature. They both have the honor to be the trustees of Allah on earth. They are equal in practicing social, moral, economical, and political rights sharing the concerned responsibilities. They are responsible for their excellent or terrible deeds individually and will get equal reward in return. Most pious and virtuous is most loved by Allah (Badawi, 1995). There are many verses in the Quran that declare non-discrimination between genders in whichever aspect.4
Sanctity of life, before and after Birth
“Whosoever has spared the life of a soul, it is as though he has spared the life of all people. Whosoever has killed a soul, it is as though he has murdered all of mankind.” (Al-Quran, 5:32)
The life of every soul is sacred, thus abortion is also forbidden, whether it is due to poverty or gender discrimination. Quran called them as losers who killed children foolishly.5 According to most of the Islamic Scholars, life starts at conception and an embryo deserves respect and protection at all stages of the pregnancy. Anyhow, exception is the case, when the life of mother, foetus, or both is in danger, or there is risk of severe foetal deformity.6
‘A Child’ in Islam
There is no numerical age definition of a child in Islam. A child is considered a child till it reaches puberty and maturity. According to the Covenant on the Rights of the Child in Islam (2004, article 1),
“A child means every human being who, according to the law applicable to him/her, has not attained maturity.” 7
A child is born innocent, without sins and he/she is loving and the most miraculous creation of Allah. The birth of a child should be celebrated. A daughter is a blessing upon parents. At the time of birth, celebration for the new born, reciting Adhan (call for prayer), giving him/her a excellent meaningful name, giving aqeeqah (sacrifice of goat/s in the name of Allah), circumcision of the male child are the birth rituals in Islam. Breast-feeding the newborn is an obligatory right of every child. 8
Islamic Family System and Parent-Child Relationship
Article 5 of Cairo Declaration on Human Rights in Islam (1990) states the importance of family and marriage in Islam in the following words;
“The family is the foundation of society and marriage is the basis of its formation. Men and women have the right to marriage, and no restrictions stemming from race, color or nationality shall prevent them from enjoying this right.”
Moreover, it is also stated that the Islamic state is responsible to remove all obstacles to marriage, family and welfare.9 Islamic family system assures the rights of parents, children, husband, wife and other relatives with selfless and loving behavior to each other. In fact the family is also the basic unit of Islamic Society (Khan, 2003). Family is a source of joy, like and contentment.10 Family is an institution for socialization of children by providing education, training, and socio-economical protection. Both genders play their role according to the status they have in the family. Quran and Sunnah are the source of guidance to perform their said role in the best interest of family. Islam lays special emphasis on parent-child relationship and specifies rights and duties to provide a firm foundation for an Islamic Family System.
Parent’s Rights and Children’s Obligations
Parents must be respected and obeyed. There is no concept of ‘ancient houses’ in Islam. Children are responsible to take care of their parents when they get ancient.
“Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. If one of them or both of them reach ancient age with you, do not say to them a word of disrespect, or scold them, but say a generous word to them. And act humbly to them in mercy, and say, “My Lord, have mercy on them, since they cared for me when I was small.” (Al-Quran, 17:23-24)
Even after death of parents, children should do kindness to them. To do kindness to parents after their death, Prophet advised to invoke blessings on them, forgiveness for them, carry out their final instructions after their death, join ties of relationship which are dependent on them, and honour their friends. (Sunan Abu-Dawud, 40:5143; Sahi Muslim, 45:6513-15) 11
Dignity of a ‘Mother’
“And We have enjoined man in respect of his parents– his mother bears him with faintings upon faintings and his weaning takes two years– saying: Be grateful to Me and to both your parents; to Me is the eventual coming.” (Al-Quran, 31:14).
Mother suffers far more sufferings than a father in bringing up the children. Her sufferings start long before the birth of the child. Pregnancy, childbirth, nursing and rearing are the spiritual acts for a Muslim mother. Therefore, mothers are placed in the highest esteem among all relations in the family (Schleifer, 2007). According to a well-known saying of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), paradise lies beneath the feet of mothers. A person questioned Prophet Muhammad about the most worthy of his kindness among his relatives. The Prophet answered: “Your mother, again your mother, again your mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness).” (Sahi Bukhari, 78:5971; Sahi Muslim, 45:6500) 12
Children have obligations of respect, honor, obedience, kindness, service, and care to their parents. The failure to perform these obligations is a huge sin. Even if parents are not Muslims, they have these rights to be honored by the children. Parents can be disobeyed only if they question something that violates Allah’s Commands.
Children Rights and Parent’s Obligations
Bringing up children well and without any discrimination is the main obligation of parents. It further includes all those rights that are comprised of provision, protection and participation rights. The details of these rights have been mentioned in Covenant of The Rights of The Child in Islam (2004) and nearly all rights confirm United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (1989). 13
In Islamic context, father is responsible for food, clothing, accommodation and all other needs of the family. To fulfill these needs, he must not be discriminate among his children for any reason. Mother has an vital role of child rearing because she spends most of her time with the children and thus also have the responsibility to educate and train them according to Islamic beliefs and values. Family is the first and foremost social and legal responsibility of a man, also associated with fantastic virtue. 14
Children should be loved and parents must spend their time with them, playing, chatting and having fun. It is exact Islam to be kind to children and teach them with like (Hussain, 2004). Like and kindness for children is a mercy from Allah that He puts in our hearts. 15
All rights about children and liabilities are practiced on the basis of Islamic moral and social system, consequently, forming a society free of social, economical, and sexual exploitation of the children. Summing up, a child must be loved, cared, educated and brought up into a confident, wise enough adult who may spend a free prosperous, peaceful and (morally and physically) healthy life according to Islam. 16
Birth of a Daughter – A Blessing
Before Islam, Arabs were used to kill their daughters and the birth of a girl was considered as a curse. It was a tradition to bury the newborn baby-girl alive.
“When news is brought to one of them, of (the birth of) a female (child), his face darkens, and he is filled with inward grief! With shame does he hide himself from his people, because of the terrible news he has had! Shall he retain it on (sufferance and) contempt, or bury it in the dust? Ah! What an evil (choice) they choose on?” (Al-Quran, 16:58-59)
Islam rejected all these cruel attitudes and regarded the birth of a girl as a blessing from God Almighty. Quran condemns the cruel act of killing girls and holds the doers answerable for their sinful deed.
“And when the female infant buried alive is questioned. For what sin she was killed.”
(Al-Quran, 81:8-9)
And the Prophet said “Allah has forbidden you (1) to be undutiful to your mothers (2) to withhold (what you should give) or (3) demand (what you do not deserve), and (4) to bury your daughters alive.” (Sahi Bukhari, 78:5975) 17
Hussain (2004, p. 262), quotes a hadith from Tabarani that shows how the parent are blessed on the birth of a daughter and Allah extends His succor to him who will look after her and bring up her.
Bringing up a Female Child
Children are a gift from God Almighty and God Almighty doesn’t discriminate between the two genders. Therefore, in Islam, there is no distinction of bringing up a boy or a girl and the Covenant of The Rights of The Child in Islam (2004), is valid for both genders. That’s the reason verses of Quran and the prophet’s saying regarding children rights, include rights of provision, protection and participation without discrimination. A female child enjoys personal freedom, individual identity, inheritance, freedom of choice and right to health and education. Like boys, girls should also be brought up and trained with pleasure and religious satisfaction. According to many Ahadiths; parents who brought up their daughters in a excellent way, treat them with like, feed them, educate them, and arrange a excellent marriage for them, they deserve paradise. Same advice is also for brothers towards their sisters. 18
Participation Rights
Likewise all other rights on equality basis, girls do have the right to participate in social, political, and religious activities. There are numbers of examples from Islamic history, where Muslim women took part in political, educational, social, and administrative affairs. They had been subject specialists, scholars, teachers, poetess, lawyers, judge, doctors, soldiers, and administrators (Qadri, 2009, p. 108-114). For financial activities, they are advised not to engage themselves if they don’t have any financial problems. But if the husband or father are not earning enough to meet the needs of the family, they can support them taking part in financial activities.
Inheritance
A girl shares the inheritance from her father and husband. Though she gets the one half as compared to the inheritance of a son19 but she also inherits from husband and enjoys the freedom to use her inheritance according to her own wish, since she does not have any financial liability. Moreover, son is responsible for ancient parents, sisters, wife and kids whereas daughter has no financial responsibility before or after marriage. Before marriage, father and brothers are responsible for her needs and after marriage husband is responsible. The misconception that ‘Islam prefers men on women’ is a misunderstanding of the Quranic verse that says:
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means.” (Al-Quran, 4:34).
This verse says about the responsibility that a man has more than a woman, and not the superiority. Islam emphasizes on equality but with equity because “Equality might be misunderstood to mean absolute equality rather overall equality” (Abidin, 2007, p. 84).
Marriage
The minimum age for marriage is ‘when a boy or girl is not a child’ and the definition of child has been described earlier. Marriage is a spiritual, moral and social union of two persons on equality of rights to each other and as partners in life through thick and thin. An Islamic marriage takes place only if 20
Both the groom and the bride are agreed in the presence of witnesses
Husband is religiously bound to pay ‘Mahr’ (obligatory bridal money) to the wife that cannot be taken back in any case.
Any forced marriage will be cancelled according to Islamic laws. There are examples in Islamic history when the forced marriages were declared null and void.21 Islam does not consider any woman to be the possession of any man. The Quran describes this as a sacred, loving and cool relation between two genders.22
A Glimpse into Muslim Societies Today
Due to concision requirements of the article, it is not possible to describe all societies and all types of discrimination. Therefore, I will discuss some of the vital issues of gender-based discrimination in the Sub-Continent (Pakistan, India, Bangladesh). I reckon, the number of Islamic religious organizations (belonging to different school of thoughts and on different level or priorities) in the Sub-Continent is more than in any other Muslim country. Following are some of the issues, that I have also observed, which highly violate the women rights as granted by Islam.
Desire for a Son
A mother, who is giving birth to daughters, is a victim of emotional and psychological torture by the family and community as well. Her food and health requirements are neglected during and after pregnancy. Whereas, a mother giving birth to a son, is a special one, cared and looked after in the best possible way. Consequently, reinforced by this, a woman desire for a son (Violation of right to life, health, survival, development).
Right to Education
So far the right to education is concerned, situation is getting better for last few years, but still not up to the mark. Girls’ education is not considered as vital as that of boys because:
They are not supposed to do jobs like boys.
They are not supposed to get the freedom of opinion that education can give them.
Even religious education is limited to offering prayer, reciting Quran, and acting upon some basic beliefs. That’s the reason women are also not well aware of their rights in Islam.
The male elders can lose ‘control’ on educated girls.
Freedom of Choice for Marriage
A girl is not supposed to go against the decisions of the family elders about her marriage. Her freedom to choice for her mate is considered immoral. A refusal of parent’s choice might result into severe treatment towards her. She might be tortured psychology and emotionally, or physically. Such cases have also been reported where the girl’s life is at risk, who tries to choose her mate herself. Honor-killings are also one of the aspects of this serious issue. Child marriages, exchange marriages, marrying girls as ransom for murder, using girls for tribal disputes etc are the issues directly violating women rights to life, physical safety, psychological peace, and freedom of choice according to Islam.
Right to Inheritance
To deprive the girls of property inheritance, really or partially is also a major issue. This is also a reason why the girls are not allowed to choose their mates. Even, culturally it is considered a excellent action if the sisters ‘gift’ their inheritance to brothers. ‘Marriage with Quran’ (to cover the head of the girl with Quran and teach her the Holy Quran, to remain unmarried afterwards) is also an ‘Against Islam’ act that is done to deprive the girl of inheritance.
Conclusion
These are some of the serious issues, which as a whole violate many vital rights granted by Islam and other human right conventions. Islam is very clear about status of woman in a Muslim society on the basis of equality and equity. Unfortunately, there are many human rights activist and organization, who promote their campaign ignoring the Islamic perspectives or rather opposing Islam according to their limited knowledge. I suggest that they must study Islam in a more optimistic way ignoring or arguing those so-called Muslim scholars who presents Islam according to the cultural or traditional needs. I am sure, when common people will get a clear picture of Islam, they will be motivated to honor status of a woman in a Muslim society. And for sure, child-rearing practices will also be influenced optimistically.
Reference/notes: azherhameed@gmail.com
http://childresearch.blogspot.com/
Love
Like
My body is built for like
Hands tongue thighs
For like only like
You who are closest
Never fall close enough
I would press my heart into yours
So I will talk philosophy
Chop and tie ruthless definitions
And dose my heart into drops
I will give you always
An ounce more than you give me
I am deluge
I could drown you
The like that knits flesh to my bone
Skin unto skin, nerve unto nerve
The yearning damming urge of like
Like atom bound to atom
—No! I withhold that from you.
I will shine a small, like the sun upon the moon
My bright I
Will gather for brains clouds and thunderbursts
To filter the full
Lightning tips to carve out books
forbidden to your eyes
I’m honored to die unread.
You see grammar and form
But do not see
Amidst the threads
the like I’ve mingled insatiate
Tongue and thirst of Like
Lick of tooth
Bite of Lip
I say you
Without echo.
What is like and how shall we characterize it? Greek has four words for like. Sanskrit has fourteen. In this, English surpasses both Greek and Sanskrit, for English has only one word for like, and so unites all that is like into one thought. What is like?
There is like for ourselves, like in sex, like of parents, like of children, like for friends, like for neighbors, like for enemies, like for art, like for food, like for money. All these likes are the same. How?
In action? Like is not action. Kindness may come from cruelty, affection may ruin, like may devastate. A wife may unknowingly cook her husband a meal lethal to his allergies and, though she spent the evening making it just right, he died nevertheless. Her cooking came from like. For like is not an action, nor a result. Like is a passion. What then is the nature of this passion?
Like is habitualized enjoyment: habitualized, structured, systemized enjoyment. Enjoyment is the combination of pleasure and desire we place around an object and the activities we habitualize to get at that object. Like enjoys the object, be it thing or person, which fulfills our need. Therefore, we like most what fulfills most. We like peanut butter for fulfilling our nutritional need. We like brother for fulfilling our companionship need. We like enemies for fulfilling our kindness need. We like our own virtues to fulfill our self-esteem need.
Like is not simply enjoyment, but habitual enjoyment, for enjoyment is a specific instance, whereas like is continual, delighting in the here and now, as well as the memory of the past, and the hope for the future. A man likes his girlfriend by enjoying memories of their first kiss, by harboring hopes of further intimacy, by developing loving habits of kindness, decency, courtesy, concern, sympathy, by sharing time and conversation with her. For like seeks the loveliest relationship with his beloved. If kindness and service heighten the relationship, he clothes himself in kindness and service. If in disciplining, as a mother or father, then in disciplining. If in sharing fun, as a friend, then in sharing fun times. Thus like builds relationships that heighten enjoyment. For this reason like does lovely things to the beloved. Only through kindness can we fully delight in our friends. Only through kindness can we fully own anyone. Like is systematic enjoyment.
Do not confuse like with his conceptual partners. First, like is not value. Value recognizes the goodness of an object, whereas like feels it. I may respect the vaccine for its medicinal value, but I do not like it. Second, like is not concern. Concern attends to the necessary, and thus is a thinking habit. Problems concern man. Once a man solves himself, he no longer is concerned, though he still likes himself. Thirdly, like is not justice. To demonstrate justice, one gives what is appropriately due. Like gives more than what is due, or rather, what is due to himself as giver. Not owed, but appropriate. Fourthly, like is not pity. Pity is a desire to fix a problem that another is too weak to fix. Pity the pitiable, for few things are pitiable. Fifthly, like is not mercy. Mercy is a form of justice. The merciful man does himself excellent, the cruel man does himself harm, but the merciful man thinks also of the excellent of the criminal: will his mercy help or ruin? Sixthly, like is not altruism. Altruism is meeting the needs of the needy because they are needy; this requires no like. Last, like is not regard, which is seeing the best in others and hoping to see the best future for them.
Though kind acts require no like, no like can avoid kind acts. If I like my friend, I will seek a bond with him, and do whatever altruistic deed I can to maintain or amplify that bond. If his car breaks down at night, I go to get him, and complain none. If somebody tries to yank our rose from your hand, will you not bleed to preserve her?
Like is always intimacy. We do not like vagueness; we do not kiss shadows. Nor do we like strangers, though there is potential. We do not like society, but the parts of society we touch. Like seeks union with the beloved. Therefore, like knows no abstractions. Rather, like knows through abstractions: for even if we delight in the thought of justice, this compares nothing to our like for the just men before us.
Intimacy is presence and conversation. Presence seeks to be near the girl, familiar with her memory, upon the lake, hopeful of being upon the lake soon, filled with life, remembering ecstasy.Conversation seeks to interact with the beloved, to speak and go her mind, to excite her emotions, impress her, to instruct her, to touch the lake, to swim in its waters, to revere ourselves, to seek that height. Sex is conversation, a conversation involving the utmost in presence. Union is conversation in presence.
If I do not seek present conversation with another, if I do not meditate on what I like about her, or plot on how I can please her, then I cannot claim like. If I am not enjoying her in the way she ought to be loved, then I am not loving her. I may delight in her superficially, massaging my need for attention, admiration, or physical touch, and so halfway meet my need for intimacy, but without the relationship of respect, interest, hope, kindness, the relationship is half alive, not infant but zombie.
How do you enliven like? There is a trick to act as if you like, so that you will soon really feel it. William James says, “acting teaches the heart,” and the very title Imitation of Christ, publishes this mistake. For of all the prigs who donate to charities or volunteer their services, I remain skeptical. To act as if you like dodges the chore of establishing a genuine like. This is supposed to reduce our apathy, giving half of a whole. Rather, by building the second floor without the first, we must grab whatever support lies nearest. As if your hatred lacked meaning! As if your indifference were as accidental as the fall of your hair in the morning! No and no: do not act. First reckon, “why do I lack like, and what does this habit mean? How is it right and excellent, and can like improve it?” Find your foundation and you cannot help but like the lovely. You do not need to be tricked into loving: you need to know what is lovely and why. For like flows when honesty faces loveliness. To act as if we like, without like, inaugurates a life of hypocrisy. Pretending denies capacity. Reason must precede the act, to choose like for her loveliness, not because you ought or are excellent to do so. Despise can be more divine than like.
Only pretense is made by pretending. Imitatio Christi? As if Christ imitated another. Be right to yourself, and you rise higher than myth. For of all the herd, I find scarcely a Paul-per, let alone that fool upon the hill. If acting made virtuous, than celebrity worship would have soul. But no, actors are no clue to virtue, for they play at appearances, nothing more. Acting, the bastard art, what can it teach us? To lie even to ourselves. “Act as if you believed and you will”—I know of no more despicable formula. It is playing a part that breaks apart. For the effort of masking, against the tension of abyss below, this prevents deeper living.
What is the deepest like? Like starts as Narcissism. It grows into greed, the like of things. Then it grows into Philia, the like of friends. Then it grows into esteem, like of worth. Then it grows into kindness, the like of improving. Then it grows to Eros, like of co-creation. Then it grows into creativity, the like of transfiguring. Every like flowers from the previous. All like grows from the narcissistic foundation.
For like is identification. If there were something gorgeous in the world, and I recognize that beauty, it must correspond to my preformed valuations. It is gorgeous to me, so I like it. And we like in others what we like in ourselves. Like is identification. One identifies himself in others, and changes himself to more fully identify with others. What started as self-recognizing finished in self-changing. For in narcissism there are five: I like what I once was, what I am, what I wish to be, what was once part of me, and what is the opposite of me, the balance and complement of me.
“Like without judging.” But like can only like what he judges lovely. You make it out not to like at all. I say judge. I say like people conditionally. If we do not like a man because he is excellent, then we do not really like him. If I claim to like my wife’s terrible cooking for her sake, I am loving her through the cooking, and the cooking not at all. In the same way, if I like a sinner for the sake of righteousness, I really like myself as righteous, but not truly do I like the sinner.
So like your enemies: from their threats, learn what is vital, from their insults, learn what is improvable. Like them for what they are, or else you are deceiving yourself. Like them as you would a teacher. Choose for yourself only the strongest and brightest as your enemies, and like them as exemplars of honor. Like your enemies for their virtues. Man is made of nobility; every man can be known and loved. Would you like gold more than the depraved man? He is a mind and a soul; if you can own him as you own the gold, so much more you can gain. Even his depravity springs poetry. Every man is lovable. What does “unconditional” mean? Unconditional like is coward’s like. Whoever must like unconditionally is worried to like the excellent. For in seeking goodness, one is whipped and warded off; like requires such work from the lover that he must be strong enough to like the depraved man. If you cannot like him, do not pretend.
A mother’s unconditional like must be balanced against a father’s conditional: I like you if you honor me. If you dishonor me and my family, we will cast you out.
What presumption that like must be afforded dime for dime, “give and get in measure”—no. It is like and lose to gain new heights as lover. If the scales are uneven, then blind justice has her sword, but like was always a hit or miss archer.
Earn your like! Unmerited like slaps the face of like. What? Unconditional like? Then what am I truly loving? I am loving myself as a kind person, through you to justify my vanity? Yet with this twisted like I do not even see you, let alone do I unite with you. Do I like my enemies or do I like God through my enemies? Where is like’s reward if I only like through my enemies? Shall they debase like even more by calling it “action”? So they tear out the heart of man.
“Like every man as yourself”––no no! Stop to preach to me that promiscuous like, a like that doesn’t even see people for what they are, but likes all men equally. Like is as unequal and ranked as men are unequal and ranked. My like is too perfect to be spent equally: I give my goodness to the excellent in their excellent part. Like knows only the lovely. I do not even know what it is you feel for these men you are kind to. “Be kind to every man as befits his person”––yes yes, you are getting closer. And rudeness is kind. And slaps are kind. And insult is kind. All things are kind from a kind heart, if only in the right context. And so I say treat kindly according to each his kind, loving the lovely, and giving no like unmerited.
Be cruel and slap? Always abstract. And don’t totalize a mere part. Sometimes slaps and criticism are needed in the beloved. Have you ever seen a marriage without them? Even the fullest like sets boundaries, and must enforce them. The full heart is a complex set of feelings at once. The more we idealize one thought for like, rather than a full experience, the more emaciated and painful she is.
Like the lovely, loathe the loathsome––what could be clearer? Why has common sense been so smeared? If you meet refuse, politely refuse him; if politeness fails, then harshly reject, for this is the kindest act. To feign friendship with what you have no part, to pretend acceptance and tolerance, this is the profound lie. Like the lovely in proportion to her loveliness to you. I like not by duty, but by sight.
I take the pretense to like from the so called “religion of Like.” The whole repertoire of Jesus sayings, though often borrowed from the rabbis of the time, fills our literature. “Like your neighbor as yourself,” we are told. Why? Well no need to bother with whys: it sounds excellent. “If only we would follow this command, the world would be heaven,” a pastor once said in my presence. I reflected. Something was amiss here. I sniffed and pawed the roots of this tree, never satisfied with fruits alone, and came to realize: no! I do not like my neighbor as myself. I do not like my family as myself. I do not even like my lover as myself. Why? As simple as the sun: they are not myself. I like my brother with brotherly like, my other brother with brotherly like, but even then, I like each differently. To like all men, all my neighbors, equally is promiscuous enough. To like them as myself? Absurd!
“Like your neighbor as yourself,” but like requires intimacy. Like requires a breaking of defenses, a knowledge of, an appreciation for, respect and admiration of. Would I like any Joe with the same fervor I reserve for my child? Then corrupt is my like! The way I like myself is unique. I care for my needs, I pride my deeds, I search and research my depths, and concern myself with myself. To invest this energy and intimacy into any other person–supposing they even wanted it, which they shouldn’t–would waste my time and dull my blades. No, I like every man as a self unto himself. I like my mother as mother, my brother as brother, my friend as friend, each according to his kind, and each to the degree I choose, free from command and order.
Not that Deuteronomy, the source of Jesus’ command, really meant that Samaritans and Gentiles are neighbors, as Jesus is said to imply. They meant fellow Jews. But if the statement is supposed to have any philosophical worth, beyond a Hallmark how-do-you-do sentiment, then we must question “What is meant by like? What is meant byMyself? What is meant by ‘in the same manner’?” Try as I may, I see no real program here. None is provided. Why should like be commanded? Why should I be threatened to like? My heart is my own. (As a side-note, I have heard preachers say, as if they were surprised, that Jesus intended us to first like ourselves. This appears to be a sort of revelation to some of them.)
Often hailed as a stroke of brilliance, and a sentiment known by all fantastic men, from Confucius to Hillel, is the so-called Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. C. S. Lewis, in his Mere Christianity, claims that the entire “natural law” presupposes this sentiment. But again, we have all dress and no depth: Jesus gives no argument, no system, no proof. Yet this sentiment hardly proves itself, nor is “wisdom proven by her children” but by arguments and reasons. Why should I do unto others as I would they did to me? Are they me? I expect treatment as Daniel, you as Mike, Jill as Jill: Do unto others as deserved!
Consider a simple reading: every teenage boy should reckon twice before applying this to his date: maybe the kisses you would have unto you are unwelcome to her. So the Christian counters: “Do unto others as you would if you were them”; but now it is “do unto others as they wish you to do”–both compromising to do, and removed from the original precept anyway. And further, this assumes that they know what they want, and that what they want is also what they need. The criminal wants a break from the law, but doesn’t deserve it. He probably doesn’t need it either. Jail may be the best thing for him. The fact is, we do not always know what we want. Perhaps you need slaps, insults, criticism, sooner than kisses and forgiveness.
For to do-as-you-would-be-done-by overlooks the question “And what should I desire from them?” So much for the simple eloquence of this command.
Do unto others as they deserve. The whole law lies on this command. Deserts are not all punishment. Every man deserves respect and polite treatment as a man. Do unto others as you deserve to do. Perhaps the criminal deserves justice, but not from me the bystander. I am not the judge nor the police. I do not deserve to have to punish. In the same manner, I deserve to give gifts and be kind because I am a lover, not because the other deserved like. I may give gifts greater than your deserts, because I deserve to do this.
“Like your neighbor as yourself,” the Jews made God say to them, and they meant Jewish neighbors, certainly not Samaritans or the Goy. But let’s pretend Jesus was an improvement on this ethic when he said, “everybody is your neighbor, like everybody as yourself.” No, this is much worse, despite its hallmark sentimental appeal. Why like others as myself when they are not myself? I like myself in a way different then I like anyone, I like myself as the only self I can directly experience. There is no substitute for this. Furthermore, like is based on intimacy; therefore I literally cannot like all others as myself, because intimacy is a risk that requires much effort, and my mental effort is limited. Like those who are like you, be politely distant from everybody else. These neighbor-lovers are God’s prostitutes—promiscuous like!—like for whoever questions for it, agape, and my God hole agape for any man to like me, God as celestial pimp, and Christians the whores for divine reward.
Do unto others as they deserve to have done; how golden to include justice in our like. Do unto others as you deserve to do; as lovers we deserve to like. Do unto others as deserved. For why should I demand anyone treat me beyond my deserts? Would I really expect pity to negate justice? Pity, for like cannot. Only dread denies justice. I desire punishment, not mercy.
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” is therefore repulsive. Should a masochist follow this? Should a horny teenager? Then nobody should. Or rather, should we not treat them as they deserve to be treated, honestly, and if we care for them, tenderly. Do unto others as they deserve to have done to them, and do unto them as you deserve to do—do unto others as is deserved. We cannot say, “I will treat others as they should treat me,” because my wants and needs are unique to me, theirs to them. Nor can we rationalize a more abstract formula, “I will treat others as I would be treated if I were them,” because they might not know what is best for them, might not know how they ought to be treated. Once we get practical, moral, virtuous, and reasonable with this formula, we realize the cheap sentimental version of “do unto others as you would have them do to you,” is immoral and disgusting. Be kind to others according to their kind.
Those least interested in being saved are those most worthy of heaven.
The less you need others, the more you can like them. Whom one depends upon, he can never like.
In this mud and guts world of relationships, I limit myself. Lovers hide their loveliness. Beauty is shy, and this is her shrewdness. The public makes common what passes through common hands. The innocent is not a man of the people, by the people, and is only for the people as he emerges from his haven. A secret garden is too delicate to lose her high stone walls. And even when the lover emerges, he is as a man who walks above the waves––mature and holy. That is to say, he is independent. He who emerges entrusts his dearest to none save the dear.
I am lonely, and so make heaven in the image of like. What I lack I paint into eternity. For those who need like, they make like into God. You seek like? Rather, seek life. I say life is the fullness which plants like in its right place, but will not be transplanted thereby.
See the sun that nobody can sees but you—the inner man. Secrecy: to do deeds nobody will ever know, to reckon and make for yourself alone. Do this from your secret like of your own beauty. Never share your best: save that for yourself.
“Because I have the power to shred you to pieces, my tenderness is that much more real.” Thus do theologians reckon of their God, and indeed, a weak lover is an oxymoron. For women, who seek power and confidence in their lovers, a fantastic lover who will pulse with power, with “The arrow poised and ready to be made drunk on your blood.” To trust such a man enlivens, exhilarates. Men, who prefer to be tended and cared for, frown if their beloved holds claws. Rather, men wish claws on their kittens—a miming of power, vulnerable in her attempt.
Like seeks like even from those hiding in dread. A man exudes angers, fears, frustrations, sarcasms, rudeness––all defenses. We dread intimacy, real intimacy. To gain it from another: a long and slow process. To win trust, we must exemplify honor and honesty again and again, to prove we are worthy of trust. There are, but, shortcuts. As one psychologist said: “Realize that every personality is so multifaceted that we can each relate wholly with one facet of another. Find one thing both you and he cherish, and give full excitement to that. Show that you reckon like him, for who resists his own thinking? Reason as he reasons, celebrate as he celebrates, and he will like you as he likes himself.”
I look at the world and call her Sherry, cherished, intoxicating, gorgeous: my world is Sherry: I burrow into her soul and lap the honey from her hands. I am in like and lovely.
All relationships are a play of defense and intimacy. One must reinforce right defenses, undermine incorrect defenses, initiate right intimacies, prevent incorrect intimacies. Men defend themselves against the world, and this is psychological health. Yet to unite, you must seek intimacy. You must excel at recognizing and dismantling defenses without frightening him whom you seek. Intimacy terrifies. You trust, you open, you allow, you give, you serve, you identify, and what? He destroys you. You hope in another and he cuts you. Or just as dark, he yawns and is silent. Thus the inveterate defense system. It allows no spontaneous intimacy, nothing novel and hope-ridden, but allows small intimacies, calculated and regulated, for being practical we know we must not starve.
Yet for the lover, he is given to intimacy, instant intimacy, he swifts through a barrage of defenses, skirting them with grace and finesse, playing through to a raw moment of nearness. For we are unaware of the myriads of defenses, jades, and traps we set, the small withholdings, the walls and masks: they are far too simple and regular to be felt at all. Interacting with others requires no conscious dance; consciousness peaks only as the smallest cusp. For he who wishes practice in relationships, he must realize that relationships are the plays of intimacy and defense, identity and variety, unity and alienation. An intimacy is you and me together, a defense is you and a not-me, a part of me that is not my own person. Thus a boxer differs from a lover, avoids touch, blocks it, presents the toughest parts of himself in defense; the lover wishes his most personal, most sensitive parts touched.The most common defense is silence, absence, averted stare, nothing.
There are certain tricks for instant intimacy that work on most people, breaching the basic defenses. To break through and sustain, but, requires a unique method in accordance with her unique machinery.
You must feel the fighter’s fancy, the warrior’s will which opens and allows like. If he says “I am a lover not a fighter,” believe him not. Anyone who has achieved intimacy realizes that you must be courageous enough, strong enough for it. A right lover overcomes. Amor her hammer, Eros her heroes. Give peace a chance? Peace must fight for her chance. And thus the exultation in the my of strength and possibility. I am a lover, therefore a fighter.
For intimacy is a horror meant for snapshots, not endurance. So much focus, so much energy, so much concern is in intimacy, utter intimacy. Few maintain it. That is to say, it takes strength to maintain, an ability to relax and sustain that relaxation by a strength that does not feel like strength. I have seen the greatest pains in those who permitted this touch. I like them for it. And those who maintain this, despite devastation, these I admire. Intimacy requires fantastic power to control, is in fact uncontrollable. Thus we dread it. Yet with intimacy we deeply teach others and direct their lifecourse.
And so, sustained intimacy begs for pauses, distances, breaks, absence. The sweetness of honey nauseates if supped at every sup. The soul likes intimacy, but dances from one to the next, returning to the first when the time is ready.
“Like your fellow man,” they say, and the intensity of intimacy is flippantly implied. Between men there is distance. Between men there is coldness and hardness. Give us a tender man, a mother’s touch for his fellow man. For if we dread him, we build walls between men. “Tender to women,” you say, for it is simple and you are unashamed. Yet women have learned this well, to be sisters. So then be brothers.
“Like is not all”—and that’s where the poem should end. What is like if it puts no bread on the table?
For what shall we say of Platonic like? Is it pure like? Yet all the deepest friendships have a tickle of eroticism. Irrelevant of whom the friendship is between.
In any like, nobody wants to be dissected. A woman wants to be kissed for her flaws as well as her virtues. It is for this reason that somebody who has worked to perfect himself is so much more loveable then somebody bone idle. Like the whole person. Like the scar upon the soft cheek. Like the “vice” for advising the virtue. For what you dissect grows from the same plant. What if the lotus grows from the mud? Shall we despise the mud? No lotus flowers without it. Therefore, take the terrible as source of the excellent. You cannot have the smile without the girl, nor the purr without the cat.
“Sometimes it is hard to like,” and you misunderstood altogether. Hard to like? What is it you really want from this person? You set the anvil on his back and now you want to hammer out ideals. Like is not hard. Like is not a gift. Like is not kind. If you struggle, it is not to like, but to know. I say despise me if it perfects you. I would be despised by all if I knew it would help. In the same way, then, do not say it is hard to like, because then you are farthest from like. You do not convince yourself to like.
For there is something greater then like, and that is life. We like to live, but we do not live to like. Life. The life of your heart, the life of your mind, the life of your body is not going to be allowed, opened, or transfigured through somebody else’s text. Your own heart is the text, and every other book mere commentary. Man lives. And therefore, man is all.
Kindness is not like, is not wedded to like only, springs from many soils and from many seeds. For the teenager, still swirling in her sexual soul, she finds romance a pretty option. “Are you the one to like me and only me? Are you the one to like me and always me?” These questions are symptoms. They are not really questioned, not really meant. They mean by not meaning. “Like me as long as there is me, like me as long as long as there is like.”
No like wants to convert another. Despise wishes to convert, and uses like to subdue. But for the one that is me outside of me, there is no conversion. I like as the sun likes, because my light makes. Be my sister sun, and us in mutual orbit.
Like frustrates. Consider Milton’s Satan. Satan flies free from hell and lights upon Eden. Finally, naked from hell’s fire and alone from his minions, he considers his place. The sun reminds him of his lost glory: why did he rebel? Unclouding his self deceit he realizes ambition and pride lead him to do so. Yet why? Why rebel against a excellent and honest God? He reasons through the dreaded words “subjection” and “gratitude,” and realizes they were not his right concern. Finally, he comes to the crux of the problem: “Who has thou then or what to accuse, / But Heav’ns free Like dealt equally to all?”
Satan loved God stronger than any other, wanted to be loved by God first, to be loved eminently as the eminent, as the greatest he was. Most lovely yet not most loved. Since he could not have God’s greatest like, he revolted in his heart against like. Satan’s like: unmatched in all of history and time, without compare, epic and unmitigated, with a heart like a bird which, when given full wing, flies straight for the sun. Only individuals can be loved with all our being, concepts never. Only God could consume and overwhelm a mind like Satan’s. Not to share, but to take all, to be all, to deserve all, to own all. And unable to find return for his like, revolt. Without that which he loved, he became hell, his heart is hell. Satan loved God the most and for that he is given hell. For an orthodox lover is a contradiction. And indeed, when Lucifer became Satan, he also became God.
The art of like is a subtle and rare art. I have never seen a convincing manual for it, though I have seen a few artful instruments. For those who can like like a virtuouso plays a cello—well, I am yet to see it. You will not see it in the pity fiends and feeders on the sick such as are the saints. Right like transfigures the beloved, does not get him worshipping ghosts, but makes him into a man. For the kind soul, he knows the subtlety of making others into heroes. The brilliant lover knows how to make his friends’ souls sing. Call not like a duty or a command, or if you do, expect to get what the last two thousand years have given: mediocrity. Some men (not all) are called to be lovers and I would to see them Men of like, and virtuosos of her.
The saints are terrible examples of lovers. Getting flayed for believing absurdities is yucky, disgraceful, weak, and stupid. But evidently, to be a saint you must do magic tricks and die painfully. Consider the myth man himself: a Canaanite woman requests to Jesus that her daughter be healed, and he says No, he will not help her because she is not Jewish, being therefore not a child of God, but a dog. All he had to do was twinkle his nose to cure her, since the depth of his like was the cheap and simple magic-show miracles, by which he earned his bread, but even this seems too much for him. She persists by saying that dogs eat crumbs. Outwitted, he does twinkle his nose, and her daughter is cured. This is not where we learn the art of like. The only kind thing he seems to do is kill himself, no excellent example for us. Like is much more decent and honorable than that. Live is not melodramatic morbidity. It is perfect subtlety. The myth man and the myth saints that followed him are distasteful. The brilliant art of like requires a new teacher.
Believe not that myth prince either. The Buddha contradicts himself whenever he utters the word “loving kindness.” The cool of meditated enlightenment contradicts generosity, kindness, intimacy, and passion. Those others are praised purely for advertisting. What religion can sell itself on isolated meditation? Human beings like to like, and any religion that is going to survive the market must make like into duty. Yes, this destroys the basis of like, but it is a flashy ad.
“There is no self” they tell us, and then contradict themselves to tell us to like others. Other what? Nonselves? I am not to like myself, but I am to like other selves? What exactly is it that likes? There is no self to do the loving. Is it like itself that likes? Then what is being loved? Like itself? Yes, the annatta “anhilated self” is a riddle, rich like manure for fertilizing the lotus of meditated enlightenment, but it contradicts the Dhamma. What does like have to do with nirvana? Be yourself, Buddhism. Don’t copy the Christian charity. You don’t believe in God or sacrifice—keep yourself pure.
Like enjoys, dread pains. To dread something is to pain at its presence, its memory, its concept. Like acts, dread freezes. Whereas like is intimacy, dread is ambiguity. Like has knowledge, dread willful ignorance. Dread seeks to not know, not reckon, not address its object. It is for this reason that you must always do what you dread to do, for like knows no other birth.
“So you see,” says Alex, who is such a shadow friend to me, “Alive and choosy, I choose the lives that best complement mine. My few friends deserve my like, everyone else my mere respect.”
“Aha!” says Amanda the passionate. “You fail to recognize your own history. You like yourself, and those who look and talk like that self, but see beyond your manhood and see mankind. To like one thing is to like all things. To convert to the full lover means you like all things in all ways you can. Let me tell you a tale. Percolating in her eternity was Goddess All. But in her fantastic one-itude, she felt lonely. For you see Alex, she was only one. And so she spread a carpet, called it cosmos, and reincarnated herself a trillion times throughout history. Which is to say, we are all the same person. From the swollen headed professor to the thinly mittened beggar, we are all the exact same person. Only we don’t recognize ourselves. I traded my omniscience for ignorance in order to feel friendly, and friendfulness is a sort of ignorance. For you see, I am you, you are me, we are all the same person, all the single All, the Alicia called Goddess.”
“Yet again,” chimed the third, “Man’s focus finds limit in time. Like is from intimacy is from focus; therefore, I cannot like all things, but only those I take into my intimacy. I can only like these by pushing those away. And a small cruelty goes a long way in amplifying like.”
You need like. You need to feel like for others, express that like through kindness, witness the acknowledgement of your like and the gratitude for its gesture, receive similar expressions from those you like, and consider yourself loved by them.
This is obvious to most people. Others would do without it. After all, like takes work. Participating in a community, completing a family, pleasing a spouse, these all take commitment, devotion, and daily practice. Are they worth it? Perhaps, perhaps not. If your place is to sculpt like no man has sculpted, or write a poetry that scars the face of history, if you are a man among men, then you waste your breath submitting to like. You are not the lover, and would do like injustice by pretending.
Yet there is a sense that those who value like and friendship less then still need it, and can still make an art of it.
Then there are those men and women who make like a skill and art. I do not mean charity workers or missionaries. I mean the men and women who are virtuosos of kindness, the geniuses of friendship, the powerhouse fathers. These people make like their top aim, and bend the rest of their life to it. This is excellent, as long as they don’t demand it of everyone. To each his own. But if they would be an example, let them practice at like and make it into skill. Let them be as Pagannini on his violin: masters and Gods of like.
Not that they will grandstand. Like is, after all, a subtle art. Those who make a show of it, those who insist you admire them, those who give to charity in open, or go to save poor lost souls, what have they to do with like? They merely mime the most obvious forms. A right lover is as subtle as the night, and deep and rich as her. He is well practiced at kindness, at cruelty, knowing them to complament each other, to allow the full force of like. Right like can pluck a butterfly from the sky and smudge no dust from her wing. Right like can fetch an eyelash from his lovers eye without a tear. Yes, and right like sets a second sun in the sky. It is a fantastic art, and one I have not seen practiced well enough by those around me. Yes, like does minimize its show to avoid scabs and parasites. Leeches to Venus, that’s what they are. Thus one must not advertise, nor give unfittingly.The greatest lover knows to be the cruelest. He is cold in his judgment, and does gives no like where like is undue. Promiscuous like given to any neighbor whores like. Like must be fitting.
This book will attempt a manual at the art of like. It assumes perfection, which means freedom from self-deceit, the best my best in every situation. I also assume Like will return my efforts. For the composition of this book is an experiment and a new way for me. My passion has thus far been for writing and thoughts. Now I will try a new way, and balance like against philosophy, as on the back edge of a sword.
Let us break open the heart.
The greater the reverence, the less the understanding, the louder the praise, the quieter the knowledge. For if you truly know something and have become it, you have already given it the greatest praise, worship, and blessing: you have become it. Rest assured then that those who praise like are the farthest from knowing it. They praise to hide their ignorance, and indeed praise is the song of camaflouging ignorance. They sense that like is fantastic, but they cannot say why it is fantastic, why it is divine, or even what it is. You curse me when you praise me.
What is like? I have defined like elsewhere by looking at the essence of every use of the word. Like is habitual enjoyment. Like enjoyes a lovely relationship with the beloved, loving in the way the beloved should be loved.
Since like is a feeling, it has many possible outlets. I may feel like for my wife, but there are many ways I can express (and thus amplify) my like. Kindness is one means, and cruelty another. My like may choose any and many expressions; some will be appropriate to my beloved, but some are not. Like, like all emotions, is an activity of the heart, and thus requires constant infux and outflow. I need constant fuel from my beloved, and I need to pour that activity out in my participation with my beloved. That is what it is to like.
The heart of like is creativity. The first thing a self makes is itself, first as a creative principle, and then as everything else. Therefore, the basis of all like is narcissism, selflove, selfishness, the truest, greatest, deepest like, which in fact exists in all people, though obscured from som. From this grows the necessesity and glory of greed, greed for a healthy body, for extensions of the body, called property. From this grows like of family, like of friends, called philia. From this grows esteem, the like of greatness. This includes the like of the imagined greatness of Gods, and also the perceived greatness of the self. From this grows kindness, which is the like that brings out the greatness in others. From this grows Eros, the highest of likes, the partner’s joy in making. It is the like of couples in their shared creation of a third thing. And higher then this, but is the special form of eros called Mother Like, crea, the like of a couple not in making a third thing, but in making each other, of a mother’s like for her children and spouse.
Like progresses from narcissism, to greed, to philation, to esteem, to kindness, to eroticism, to creative like. Each step is inclusive. One does not step beyond narcissism, beyond greed, but deepens them, opens them up, makes them more profound.
Narcissism is self like in the purest sense: I like I, whatever I am, exactly what I am, because I am me, my very me-ness, I like eternally and unreservedly.
Greed is the like to own, to possess things, to possess people, to possess knowledge, to be able to control it, to have the right to control it, to own it. A very gorgeous like. The professor, insofar as he seeks to be the most learned man, is greedy for knowledge, the saint, insofar as he seeks treasures in heaven, is greedy for spirit.
Philial like is the like for family and friends. There is no essential difference between family and friends other then family is looked upon as permanent, and friendship as less so. This is the like of those who live with you, among you, share time and space with you, because they are like you.
Esteem is the like of greatness, of loving the greatness in yourself, and hating the weakness in yourself. You like others because they are fantastic. You like God because you imagine him to be fantastic.
Kindness is loving those of your kind, and loving them in such a way as to bring out the best in them. Kindness is giving and receiving.
Eros is sex, eros is romance, eros is the divine like for which mankind exists. The hightest like, no like can be complete without the sexual element. And sex is about sharing the joy of making a third.
Crea is the most refined form of eroticism. Creative like is to mutually make each other, like twin suns, orbiting each other, making each other more profound. Creative like is maternal like, is the full embrace and never letting go of what you have become and bound yourself to.
Narcissism is a mytho-psychological term with a history and a series of meanings. I use the term to mean all forms of self-like. It is a mode of loving, one with its own stages and forms. An infant likes itself in that it likes for itself. It seeks for itself. Its world is itself. The other is directed at itself. This is the way I know infantile psychology. I look at the purpose of like to be to satisfy human needs, and therefore, self like is a deepening of what like is for, to like for yourself. It was necessary for me to center like on this for a series of reasons which will become clear later. Suffice it say that you should view these likes as a series of consecutive circles, as the world of the infant, as its self, expands. Technically, the child likes his mother first, before his toys, but I make the next step of the progression “greed” in that I believe the child likes his mother greedily—infants get jealous. The child at first does not like her for her desires, for what he is to her, but for what she is to him. Also, the things that belong to him become vital to him. Family/friend like (philial) rises when one no longer looks at the world as something to own or disown, but to share. Therefore, this could be called the joy of sharing, the like of sharing. At what point the child likes the mutualith of ownership, I do not know. I believe that the ability to share and the awareness of others as other persons, arises at the same time. Therefore it is only after one realizes there are other selves, and thus knows what a self is, that he can esteem himself, especially in respect to the other selves, and, when he is older, in terms of his own self, based on his previous self, and his future potential selves. Kindness arises from esteem in that once we have esteemed what a person is, what he is worth, what is worthy to him we can treat him according this kind, and we can choose how to treat others we esteem worthy of our like. Erototicism is the desire to mutually please, and is greater than kindness in that it is a shared and mutual venture, wheras mere kindness is not. Eroticism is mutual kindness in respect to both sharing making a third thing—a child, a relationship, a coupling, a project. Creative like is no longer sharing the making of another thing, but the making of each other.
All beings are situated within the whole. Consciousness itself is situated between needs and world, and exists in order to relate the two in a fulfilling way.
We are all narcissistic in that as a self we like, and we like for ourself. Our like is not a commodity for others; like is a function for fulfilling the self. There is no disembodied like. Like too is situated.
May some people like others and despise themselves? You must never take talk of “self-despise” too seriously. Self-despise and suicide are means of preserving the self in a certain shape, of avoiding growing pains.
It might be noted that Christianity, which is touted as the religion of like, isn’t, and that Buddhism, which is called the religion of compassion, also isn’t. Christianity fails to know like, views it as self-sacrifice, and even makes a sacred symbol out of a torture device. The joke is on them in their constant mockery of mankind, the crucifix. I spied one in a hospitol room, which was an irony and contradiction that didn’t fail to make me sick.
Romantic like is one step below crea, mother like. Christianity misunderstands eros. It stops at a lower like of pity (not kindness), and the Godawful charities are an example of what Christianity is all about. Mother like, or the like of mutual devotional creation, is necessarily an outgrowth of romantic like, which is the like of adventure. The adventurer cannot make. He must risk all to gain the materials to make. Thus, romantic like transfigures into family like, mother like.
Sympathy, compassion, and pity are the opposite of Buddhism, which, in a word, is nonattachment. Nonattachment, means, above all, that one is uncaring of all things. For to care is to be attached. The benevolance that later Buddhists added to the doctrine for respect of human nature, must always be understood as disinterested compassion, as an abstract benevolance. If this “kindness” is taken too far, it destroys the original Buddhism.
For the primary virtue in Buddhism is disattachment, and the primary virtue in Christianity is guilt. Insofar as all these other virtues allow these centers to unfold, they are excellent. Insofar as they don’t, the ruin the religion.
Eros is the highest like, the joyful self affirming creativity. Yes, and creativity is the height of this in the joy of creativity, and not mere unity.
Eros is the attraction of like to like. By eros all that is of the same is underconscious of all the like in the entire universe.
Question a man what he wants most of all and it is never “altruism.” Who could live off altruism. A world of altruism and we all commit suicide. He wants eros: mutually making each other in joy.
The child becomes a binding mirror of the adult like, the fulfillment of romance, the creative parentage.
Like because it fulfills you. Any other reason is hateworthy. Do not like because it is the right thing to do, because you ought to, because it is your duty to like. That leads to self-rape. You like because you are a lover and this is what you choose to do.
Kindness to any asker is waste, and is not right kindness. Gift no penny. Trade only, for this is like.
Like because it is your style. Do not counteract your own style. If you have pulled off an artful coldness, don’t negate it for the sake of duty. For duty is deceit. Duty is the word they place on owning you. You owe no like, nor can like be owed, but only gratitude. Your like chooses which values to give loyalty to.
A strong, noble, manly devotion and support of his family need not be romantic in nature, nor even intimate. It may maintain its nobility without becoming sentimental. It may be duty and this is excellent, but it is not like. You may be loyal without like. But for like, devotion and loyalty are the simple path, the only path, and there is no temptation against them.
Like is habitual enjoyment. That is, it is structures, systematized, enjoyment, implying, of course, a commitment. One cannot like without commiting himself to it. There is no selfless like, there is no disinterested like.
If you like somebody, you will forgive all wrongs they do; if you dislike them, you will fault them even their goods. I had a nurse who admired my intellegence. Despite her many mistakes, I still grudge her nothing.
Well then: what is kindness?
Framing like and kindness as “duties,” “obligations,” “Laws of God,” is the surest way to kill them. The servant knows no like. Like is like among equals. It is precisely the moral commands to like which make kindness the byword of freespirits. Yet no poet can disdain the passion of romance, the ardor of sex. These last ones were characterized as “low” likes, different from agape, the “Godly like.” But of course there are no “charity” songs, no passable poems about “agape,” but passion and romance are the endless muse of life, like, and art. Don’t command me to be human. And if you command me not to be, to hell with you.
In many ways, I am not the one to teach the art of like. I am too inward, too much in like with thoughts—do you really question the philosopher how to like? But of course the philosopher is the source of all knowledge. I too will try to know this literary fountainhead.
Word massage. Place pressure on others, touch them lightly and painfully, but touch where it is tight, tense. Combine this with literal massage—and listen! We ought to be touching each other much more than we do; friends ought to hug, cuddle, clasp hands, kiss, and yet reserve their sexuality for their beloved—and we can achieve intimacy with others in ways no psychologist is allowed to. Place your arm around your friend as you chat, male or female of whatever age. How much we need to be touched and are not. But we can word massage—this alone being somewhat acceptable in our culture—although there is an incredible anxiety with intimacy. It is, after all, a subtle art.
Every child knows the right three sixteen: for mom so loved the world, that she lived herself within it, that none who believed or doubted her should be damned, but return at last to her; for he who does not believe has his reasons, and doesn’t need threats framed as “like” to interefer with his own plans.
Each man’s ultimate heirarchy of like, his pyramid of lotalties, is rarely exposed, rarely brought to light, nor does it need to be, and sometimes full disclosure would threaten the system, for the will to tell is also the will to upset. If a man prizes his job over wife and son, he need not parade this, nor mention it. A well-known quip has a man tell his wife, “I must you now for war, for I ceould not like you so much if I did not like honor more.” Perhaps she bought it. I would have said the same thing to my naval officers, and retreated to nature to work out some thoughts.
So I am with Emerson: “Despise mother, child, Jesus and God before your own creative Genius” the modern twist on an ancient propaganda.
Wisdom is deeper than like. Like is foolish, leads to foolishness, unless it is limited by wisdom. Like of wisdom is nothing: one must be wise himself in order to know how to like wisdom or anything else. I am no philosopher: I am a sophist.
Just as judgment must be just, and justice is fairness and one cannot be too honest, therefore, as well, like leads to excess: like cannot be a first principle, the basis of morality, the law of the universe. Like can be foolish. Like can be stupid. Like can be suicide. Like must be completely controlled, allowed, contained within wisdom. Only idiots say “do not be too wise,” for wisdom can have no excess, since it is the basis by which we know and balance excess.
Some of the greatest likes of my life grew from much patience. Like at first sight is despise at final sight. The greatest beauties are subtle. They may take even a decade to be seen at all.
Christianity is called the religion of like, as if religion should be about like! “Like and power” and I would believe you. Jesus at one point says that greatest command is to “Like the Lord your God with all your heart, body (!), soul, and mind,” and since Jesus himself was later determined to be “full God of full God,” and one lacking this like will be “condemned to the eternal flames of burning shit (Gehenna) where the worm will never die”—too much, too much. Its all such nonsense.
I do not like Jesus. Because I do not see him as an equal. He seems too shallow and hung up on petty matters. Where is his “make such and such,” where is his “study this and that,” where is his “sing, dance, write, and be glad,” where is his “strive for greatness and excellence” nor do I see him as having achieved greatness nor excellence. He does not impress me, I would count it no acheivement to become more like him. At best he seems to have been granted magic powers and a sloganists wit for moral truisms. He was certainly no genius, and he was by no means deep. Nor do I find anything about him all that lovely, noble, gorgeous, or divine. And so you command me, you impudent thing, to like you? And not only to like you, but with all my heart, soul, spirit, body (yucky), and mind! But this is insane.
Who has my like? Emerson I like as I have loved no other man, and Nietzsche beside him, not with “all my heart, soul, mind” but with more like than I have for any other, and not upon anyone’s command, but because his voice speaks to me, sings to me, teaches me to be what I am deep down.
It is not a religion of like that commands me to like what to me is relatively mediocre. Socrates was more the saint than Jesus, and even him I distrust. Anyone who commands like has no sense of the nature of like.
You may speak of your like for God or Christ
But I have never loved a literary figure more than Nietzsche and Emerson. I like them because they speak to me. Nobody else does that, nobody else can. I read hundreds of books. Once in a fantastic while I really like the author. Quite exceptional when such a thing happens, not to be forgotten, not to be spoken lightly of, not to be dodged, denied, or suppressed: here my heart has made an exception! Such a hard and hard heart still makes an occasional exception!
But of course, to even place Jesus in the same category as Emerson or Nietzche is ridiculous: he is much less: he writes nothing because he is a mythological creation from head to foot: insofar as there was an actualy Jesus of “Nazareth” we have not an ounce of him, he is lost to history. He is probably a complete fabrication. Is it any wonder then that the tales of him seem vacuous?
“God is like” was a Greek cliché, as the first God in the Greek Panthean was Eros (like) “the first and most gorgeous of the gods” later reincarnated (strangely I reckon) as puckish Cupid.
So John was recycling Greek clichés. The thought that God is like makes less sense coming from a Christian than a Greek.
Like is desire and consummation, and the mindset that ever consummates his like with every part of her he has already consumed: her memories, her thoughts, her possibilities. He is modelled his ME from her, redefined the parts of him he could still redefine to fit in her world, so that their combined WE was necessary and perhaps even forever after. For sexual like is the greatest and best like, and the precursor to like of children. In the same way all like for children is sexual, but nicely appropriate and decent, allowing the child to grow and be himself, without imposing a wrongful carnal relationship. For sex is much more than carnal knowledge. The sexual like between man and wife is every like they feel for each other, and without that sexual basis, every other like is merely a black duty.
The Christ, as a heavenly bastard – historically, the garden variety – was infinitely in need of like, of everybody’s like, of complete like, and insatiable. Such a longing for like ends in suicide. You fancy that such a one would remain virginal? That he would save himself for metaphorical sex with a metaphorical church bride? But haven’t you studied reality? If not, how can you read through the myth?
No, do not question me to make like to the demi-Jew; were you to courageous my face, I know he would cringe before a greater like than his. Granted, he preferred the like of whores to priests, and do not tell me he tucked his tail between his legs and thought of sheep, this man was too like-starved to be God’s eunich, but this cross-breed can find like nowhere, and is spiteful as a woman, grabs from the persions their hell and says: if you don’t burn with me you will burn without me. Christians do not talk to me of like, for I hear better then you speak, and I see better then you shine. Like triumphs over like, heaven conquers your heaven, and the hell you made is no larger then to hold you her inventors. Make like tot his Jewling indeed! Give me beauteous Eros! Let flirty Aphrodite skip a few rocks across my lake, but do not say Salvation and Mercy, my like is too gentle for S and M, my heart too large and too subtle for your histrionical “look daddy I’m dying!” I would prefer Mary Mara’s like to yours, or let Judas or John nuzzle my collar bone, but for the seven eyed lamb, my like would drarf your spite-spent like.
Desire is language. The tongue is forever the instrument of desire, to taste, to consume, to swallow up, to call out, to sing, to request, to speak the soul. Like is tongue. Such a quivering thing, like. When she needs she sweats, grows thick, aches to be filled. Beware the tongue! The best men choke on her. The tongue speaks the heart, and isn’t the heart also shaped like a yoni?
It is impossible to like a woman who does not like herself: she will turn against you and despise you. It is unwise to give your passionate to an unpassionate man, he will turn coward. Like a small more than you are loved, no more, and if your heart sings like the sun, you always have your art.
You theologians and sages are quick to speak of what you do not know. Perhaps you are a gossip? God this, profundity that. Perhaps you should speak of what you have seen face to face? When a man speaks from his direct experience, nobody in the world cares to dispute him. People fight and rant and rave about things they have no clue of. Sit next to a man or woman has has seen and you will not doubt.
Causality is an interpretation. Immediate reality does not feel caused but obvious only. Who knows why lovers leave, and friends deceive? There ar many causes in the world, and there are also must bes. Being is a perpetual becoming. Only what acts is actual, and so everything is made of force. Why do I now like you with such fierceness, when tomorrow I will nuzzle up into the vulva of my book?
Like is everything social, and half a man. The other half is mind.
I will speak of lust, since I doubt any man lusts as much as I lust, returning lust to his glorious throne of first meaning: pleasure. What pleasure I take in the beauty of others, in finding all the beauties of my friends. I will delight in you in every way I can delight in you. If I have pledged my body to my wife, so much more will I delight in your thoughts, your speech. There is no limits to my lust. If you do not lust after the woman in the street, pluck out your eyes—they are excellent for nothing.
People speak and gossip and groan of all the things they have no experience in, but I am interested only in direct experience, and my own, or if I have a friend, in her own, what she knows, and not what she has heard second hand, third hand. I interrogate you, dear one, I take your cheek and guide your eyes so I can see first hand what you have seen. What you know and what you truly I know I will know you for. What you gossip about I could care less: gossip is simple. Anyone can gossip. It would be more fascinating if you were incapable of gossip. Such a one would tempt me, I might even question a question.
The theologians are quick, are they not, to speak of things they have no experience of? I do not speak of God or Gods. If I experienced God himself, I would never say “God” but “what a delightful experience my self is able to make!” For everything I experience of is still owned as an experience to me. They gossip idly, do they not, all these peoples, and they speak of like. They don’t even feel the lick of tooth and bite of lip the word feels, not even the word they have, let alone the experience of like. Yet they do like. They do not know where they like, or what of them is truly like.
I will speak to you AA, though you are never there when I recognize you, and so you never hear me when I speak. I feel a fantastic like for you as soon as I see you, but they like I feel is quicker then the like I say. It may be that I never even see you again, but for me, all the world’s a mask over the mask called AmA, and behind her the All herself.
My like is a sun, and the world will not know it. So I will riddle them with dark sayings. Its amusing. Everything I say and write is eight times encoded, ten times a parable, and I laugh and laugh at everybody how they spin and do not guess at me, cannot guess at the mirth that is deepest in me. My deepest name is a laughing name.
So I like you and send you away. And you will never say a word to me again, perhaps, and that is amusing too. Did you know crying and laughter are the same sort of thing? One let’s go. In laughter, he releases an imposition, in crying, a reposition.
My like for you is utter and ever. Obvious to me, never gone, never forgotten. I speak of no tempts or attempts. My like abides.
Abraham loved God more than children – but the Jewish religion just the opposite. I see him wasting not even a shrug when God told him to kill his second born son – “the son of promise” – and it is equally impressive if Abraham existed in some form and really did hear some schizophrenic voice telling him to kill his kid. Because God or no God, the message is the same: you must determine for yourself your ultimate priorities. That he resorted to such a literal and dramatic measure is, according to the tale, not his fault, but God’s, for the entire charade was only for the sake of God, so he could say “now I see that Abraham is a loyal servant” – for the doubts and jealousies of God are cosmic, and has no faith at all in mankind or anything else, being the spirit of world class cynicism, and spite against mankind. Better still, the like Abraham had for God is more a God than Yahweh.
The same for Buddha when he abandoned his family to seek enlightenment. The legend has him make friends with his abandoned son, who becomes a disciple – that would be the Disney ending. It stinks of disciple rationalization. More likely, if Sid was a prince and chose to become a beggar, that he was barred forever more from his family – and this at least is poetic justice, for if you want to detach, you thoroughly detach, and give your full effort to that one high priority you belong to. But for most of us, high priorities require no detachments, but merely negotiation, subordination, and a graceful gentle drawing of limits. Buddha’s absolutist and extremist emphasis on disattachment shows spiritual immaturity, although meditative mastery.
Nata-lou: I like you
Nata-lie: you like I
Nata-bom: we like mom
Nata-bus: mom likes us!
My greatest asset and center of integrity shines through my persistent narcisissism, not merely my like of writing, but my adoration of my own writings, ranging from mild pride to golden orbed grandiosity, saving me the pain of many an inevitable rejection, and assuring me the wisest eye blinked from my eye, and history, insofar as he could see, would second my motion.
